trying to throw your arms around the world

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle….A feminist writer’s rally cry for independent women, for whom men were neither necessary nor practical. This quote resonated with me when I was younger. When I figured that wanting to be loved was a waste of time. I know now that that was the demons of low self esteem and hopelessness – my chance to down-play the terrifying fear that love was a lost cause for someone like me. Someone so far from her ideal self.

Older and hopefully a little wiser, the Lord is working on me to transform how I see myself, love, men, hope, and waiting. This fish wants a bicycle! (well, a man actually).

Bono sang about this in a way that shoots straight to my heart about this liminal space of knowing Jesus is enough and yet longing with a hair-pulling frustration for real human partnership:

“and a woman needs a manlike a fish needs a bicycle
when you’re trying to throw your arms around the world.

I’m gonna run to you run to you run to you
woman be still
I’m gonna run to you run to you run to you
woman I will”

I hear Jesus singing this to me – be still! I’m running to you! Meanwhile, I’m trying to throw my arms around the world….

And so I thought I’d start this blog. Sort of a verbal processing of this path on which I find myself. I feel a bit like I’m on a long car ride and all of a sudden I look up and think “Where the hell am I? And how long until I get to California?” Then pausing long enough to actually want to look around and see what’s here, right where I am. I’ve been just trying to drive though it, I think. Like one would on a road trip through North Dakota. Just keep driving. Eyes towards the coast. Don’t look around or you’ll end up depressed.

Carrie Bradshaw’s ‘I couldn’t help but wonder…’ echoes in my head. I couldn’t help but wonder: could it help other women to read some honesty from my slogging through this tedious part of the road? Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, there’s no sex in the city for this writer. Nope. Definitely none of that. Much to my dismay and occasional embarassment. (Never has been actually. And I do not try to pretend that that does not sometimes SUCK ).

Maybe no one will read this nonsense! But that’s OK. It’s good for me to have a focus for my writing if I’m really going to practice. So with that, I’ll just try to put it out there. Honestly. Hopefully humorously. Because if you can’t laugh about this stuff, then holy cats! You’ll cry about it for sure.

If you’ve ever felt yourself pondering a long vacation to Portugal when another wedding season dawns, if you've ever uttered a silent prayer of bittersweet thanks that there is no one to chastize you for eating an ice cream sandwhich for breakfast for the 3rd day in a row, if you’ve ever cried at the realization that it doesn’t matter how pretty or lacey your underpinnings are if you are the only one who will ever enjoy them, then maybe you can identify with this leg of my journey.

Oh yeah – one more thing – this is a blog about me and Jesus, ultimately. It’s supposed to be anyway. Because without grace, I would be nothing. And I would probably be out getting busy with any boy who would tell me he thinks I’m pretty. Or, heck, any boy who knows how to fix the hard drive on my laptop or make home-made pasta. So Jesus is the Way that I am headed, even if I don’t particularly enjoy the view from the window along this stretch of the road. He and I are the only two in the car at the moment. But I’m hoping He’ll pick up a husband for me sooner rather than later. And that He’ll keep driving and let us mess around in the back seat.