creep

i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doin' here?
i don't belong here
i don't belong here

i don't care if it hurts
i wanna have control
i wanna perfect body
i wanna perfect soul
- radiohead (and, in one of my favorite covers ever, ingrid michaelson)

so i knew that one day in this optimism experiment i would just not be 'feelin it'. i thought it would take a little longer to get there (ha! see? the cynicjill would have assumed it would have come much sooner....) but i'm not feelin' it today.

i'm tired. i woke up weirdly discouraged. lonely. anxious. weird dreams. came to work and opened facebook and 2 of my single guy friends are now listed as 'in a relationship'. which is fine. i don't want to date either of them. but still. stung. that whole dwindling numbers thing.

so what does an optimist do when she is feeling bleak? i assume that optimists don't wallow. but that is what i usually do. slide into the mud and tip my head back and close my eyes.

i know that i can go back to my 3 BELIEVE statements. i could meditate.

what do hopeful people do when sucky feelings are creeping in? this is about relearning, i know. and there's nothing really earth shatteringly sucky or different about today than any of the last several glowy happyjoy days. i guess this is where the *trust* and *faith* have to come in. like a test to see if i have really put them on, or if they just looked shiny in the window and i bought them but they stay in the closet.