i feel pretty

over the last month or so, i have been sputtering uncomfortably as i slowly warm up to the idea that i may have to give up hating myself. at least hating the way i look. this has been such a central part of my self-concept for so long, it has been like a grieving process. it's weird. i don't know how to describe it.

i plod to the bathroom in the morning and the only pang i feel when i look up is that there is no yummy shirtless man behind me in the mirror to see my bed head adorableness. i finish getting ready for work or to go out and i feel butterflies of pleasure at the sight of my reflection. actual positive feelings. this is a revolution. a brain-f*** of chaotic proportions.

it scares me a little bit.

it is something i have not experienced, in any sort of sustained manner (and i'm going to consider a month 'sustained') in any chunk of my life so far. not even when i was dating the Epic Ex. not even when i was treading water in a deep puddle of attention from The Boy last summer.

it's also a fascinating 'chicken and the egg' conundrum. i think i can point to a handful of precipitating events/circumstances. for one thing, i've been working out hard this summer. running, weights, pilates. the running, the 10Ks, those make me feel confident and powerful and like i've accomplished something. like i trained and i sprinted and i left some of the skinny bitches in the dust. there's nothing like blowing past a jogging, panting, size 4 girl with a big grin of 'buh-bye!' on your face at mile 4 of a 10K. i guess that makes me a chunky bitch, but whatever.

and the positive feedback has sparked a positive feedback loop! yay for mental schemas! i'm not sure if i am confident because people have been complimenting me with unprecedented frequency or if people are complimenting me because i am more confident. it is a bit weird, though, how my hair cut is a month grown out and the grey roots are creeping back and i had to buy a bigger dress size than i have in years the other week, but that somehow people (even strangers! imagine!) are noticing and making comments.

this is blowing my mind.

i did tape the sign to my mirror (see previous post). i do read it several times a day. i think about it a lot. not only do i feel more confident, i just feel better. fuller. like my real self for the first time in a long time. i sang in church for the 1st time in 12 years on sunday. with the worship leader people. it felt like me. the truer me. the one who sings and loves it and transcends her own cocoon of self consciousness when she does.

and i feel lighter and more hopeful. there are new good things afoot for The Boy, and he's let me into that space in a really healthy way and i'm happy about it. we can be friends again. i can be my confident self and not dependent on his moods or whims to affirm me in any way. a revelation! earth shattering!

something good. something good. i BELIEVE it's gonna be good. for me. the confident, beautiful me. the me who doesn't have one fist clenched tightly around The Boy (or any boy). the me who can be happy for the Epic Ex and his wedding (3 months away) and for The Boy and his new love and new smokeless, vice-reducing chapter.

holy crap, my head is spinning. so much. good. good things. on their way.