right here, right now

back to the optimism experiment. and thanks for all your phone calls, texts, and notes after yesterday's rather bleak post.

as a mini-update, i've decided to call my mom every day. it's been about once a week my entire adult life, but i'm re-motivated to make the most of even our silly small talk. like last night on my train commute home from work, we talked about her new found love of reality TV shows like "True Beauty" and i laughed with her for the entire 17 minute metra ride. much to the chagrin of my seatmate, i'm sure.

regroup. time to regroup. today i checked in on one of the blogs i follow - "the happiness project" - and unearthed this very timely gem of wisdom from the writer of a blog about zen habits and living simply:

Thinking about the past and future is the cause of all unhappiness.

i remember reading some zen teachings on mindfulness and being present in graduate school and being punched in the face by how important and damn HARD it is for me to be in the moment. i'm terrible at it. i ruminate about how things used to be with a friend, or at a different job, or when i had a boyfriend, or whatever. i panic about whether or not i will fall in love someday, ever pay off my loans, ever figure out where my EPIC is supposed to begin, ever lose those 12 extra pounds i have been poking with angry disdain for all these years. pondering what will happen when mom dies, and how am i supposed to figure out what's next.

and i can confidently say that NONE of that 'makes me happy'.

i don't think that it is inherently wrong to muse or ponder or remember. to a point. i take it to the extreme and i know it AND that unhappy sludge makes it nearly impossible for me to live in and feel the feelings of the actual moment.

one of the most meaningful assignments i ever had in school was about this very topic. it was the final assignment for my class about spiritual development. it was actually one of the most remarkable classes of my life. it exposed me to writings and philosophies and to myself in a way that truly opened new space in my heart. i chose to write my final paper about the two most striking concepts i had encountered that quarter: sacred space and mindfulness.

the paper was called "Nouwen and Zen: Creating Sacred Space and Staying in It"

check out some henri nouwen for the sacred space concepts : "the three movements of the spiritual life"

and zen, well, we read all kinds of zen philosophy in that class and i'm thinking about diving down into the basement storage unit to dig those articles out of the 'school stuff' bin where they have been relegated.

so anyway. that's my thought for the day. a mix of discipline and grace, i think, are required for this to stick. in big gulps.