these are days

well well it's 2009.

when i get all nostalgic and pensive about 2008, i realize to my utter shock that it was a very good year. an important one, i think, in the new track i'm helping to put down in front of me and the heavy backpacks of pain and worry that i've slung into the ditch along the way. grace. the grace of God is to thank for that.

when i sat down last night to write in my notebook about the year, i felt excited and hopeful and lighter than i can remember. New Years Day hasn't sparkled with, well, sparkliness in a long long time. usually it's just the turning over of another fretful year with a look back to the things i haven't yet done or figured out or put behind me. usually there are bits of panic about the giant TICKING CLOCK slowly counting down to the end of my time on earth while my age inches up and up. not hopeless, really, just that twitch of "CRAP! another year just passed! and i'm still scratching my head about my whole life...."

i AM still scratching my head about my whole life. but with a smirk of eager anticipation.

why? well, i think the optimism experiment is working for one thing.

and i realized last night as i scribbled, this is the first year in over 5 years that i can say that i am starting the year with a clean emotional slate. as far as boys are concerned. The Boy and i have carved each other out of our lives for all intents and purposes, and i'm finally in a place where i can say confidently that he does not factor into the workings of my day-to-day in any capacity. and the lightness of that realization is a happy one.

AND, even better, i finally met Epic Ex's new wife at a party on Dec. 30th, and it went spectacularly well, and i could start the year fresh with the past in the past and no anxiety about meeting her. she is sweet and they are a lovely (and unabashedly PDA-loving) couple. and she and i talked and he and i talked - he even greeted me with a warm "Merry Christmas!" hug at the party - and i felt calm and confident and only slightly spastically animated. the relief of finally meeting her and the heady realization that i felt GREAT the entire time was like an electric shock that kept me too giddy to sleep when i got home from the party. and i was secretly thrilled to note the look of thoughtful recognition in her face and her quick eye dart between Epic Ex and me when i introduced myself to her. his eye contact with her and tiny nod and smile to her made me happy somehow. like they were perhaps relieved to have this intro finally over with as well.

i hosted and cooked a dinner party for some friends on new years eve. it was lovely and glittery and exactly how i wanted to ring in the new year. surrounded by friends, yummy food, lots of wine, soft twinkling candles and lights and sparklers.

so cheers to 2009! bring it on.