#1 crush

last night i sat across from OM eating sushi, chopsticks poised above a dragon roll, marveling at how much had NOT changed since sharing food and hours with him had been part of almost every day for me.

his corkscrew curls were still knotted messily in a ponytail, his ridiculous floppy hat hung on the coat hook next to the booth, and his clunky white van sat hunkered down in a parking spot across the street. he remembered details of my eating preferences, old winter coats, friends, favorite bakeries, and dreams that even i had forgotten in the 6 or so years that had elapsed since then.

he had been my first friend in chicago.

but more than that, he was my #1 crush.

infatuation seems to sneak up on me in alarmingly consistent patterns. and OM is one of the clearest examples of my long and sordid history of Fake Boyfriends. even his friends thought i was his girlfriend for a while. alas, no. and i knew it. never mind the hours and hours spent together - at work, after work, on the weekends, at parties, concerts, dinners, cafes. discount the fact that he and i were each others' defacto dates to at least a dozen or so parties. and take out personal conversations, long walks along the lake, kite flying, festivals, cooking and eating and listening to music, ravinia picnics and long drives and we were totally just ordinary friends. just friends. oh, and the meltdown i had when he quit his job and disappeared for a few years.

so here i am, 6 years later, agreeing to have dinner with him. i have facebook to thank/blame for that. and after a handful of phone calls and gchats, we convened in a sushi place on clark for the big Meet Up. where i got to hear all about his girlfriend. his dream girl, the love of his life. they are terrific partners, and he can't wait to move to new mexico and marry her, hopefully by the end of this year. he had told me a bit about her on the phone, but i asked about her and away he went. it was actually really great to see his face light up and to hear the very real excitement in his voice about this girl. it wasn't weird, and i want to be clear that i am not STILL infatuated with him.

but what was weird is how much like a date it was. how much it was ALWAYS like a date when i was with him. only this time i have a car so he didn't pick me up. but his attentiveness and affection still melts me a little. he picked up the tab at the end of the night and paid for us both despite my protests. 'you'll get the next one'.

honestly, i don't know if i want there to be a next one. i have a good time with him, i'm nostalgic for him in a way i didn't realize until i saw him in person. that year or so i spent joined to his hip, exploring the far reaches of the city and learning to eat things and talk to people and live spontaneously is one of my dearest memories of chicago. maybe even one of the most formative. he yanked me out of the dank cave i had dug for myself in grieving my dad, and he eagerly shuttled me around his home town with a gleam of delight in his eye, and i'm so thankful for it.

but now, i mean now? now what? now that we've caught up, what more is there to be to each other?

it was good to see him. a technicolor reminder of an important year of my life.

but i don't know where to put him in my future. or even my right now. we'll see.