lemon

i was just wondering to myself how the optimism experiment is going. i guess i should know, since it is afterall my experiment.

today i'm feeling a bit resentful towards optimism, even while i'm trying to sit in it.
mom's week at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America reveal extensive new growth of the tumors in her lungs, liver, glands and bones. the good news is that it is not in her brain and has not mutated. they think they can treat it and push back the growth and maybe shrink the tumors themselves.

good news. yes, i guess that is good news. it is good news for mom because she has the interminable spirit of pollyana and a faith and a peace that passes understanding. she wants to keep trying if there is something new to try, even though the side effects are excruciating in their own right. this is life. this is what this season is to look like for us. i'm not angry or sad or anything really, just working out calendars and adjusting my selfish schedule to figure out how to be where she needs me.

but as far as optimism goes, forgive me that i am not brimming with hopefulness. i'm examining the situation as it is, and while i am hopeful that they will be better at managing her pain and nausea and nutrition from the Center than her home doctors were, i'm not particularly *hopeful* or *optimistic* about the whole slow decent aspect of this stupid disease. we already did this once. with dad. throw in that my grandparents are ailing and will likely be into a nursing home within a few months and the fact that we will likely have to sell off all their land and their home to pay for it, and i'm really leaning much more towards the "let's get the heck out of here and fly mom to the amalfi coast and hang out with her every day until the Lord decides she has had enough" plan. maybe i will just stay in italy then and search for an italian sugar daddy.

anyway. since that fantastical plan does not seem to have a snowball's chance, i guess i shall return to the regularly scheduled program of my life.

this week my regularly scheduled life has included some really aweful selfishness and brattiness to a couple of my friends. do you ever look back at something you did or said or emailed and and smack yourself in the forehead and wonder who or what evil took over your brain and convinced you to make something all about YOU when really it had nothing to do with you? my roommate doesn't read this blog, but if he did, he would have read that all over me this week. a couple others of you too. i'm sorry. i would ask for a do-over, but really, i don't want to have to do this week over again.

i do love you though. i'll get back on the optimism experiment track right away.