wise up

and it's not going to stop
no it's not going to stop
and it's not going to stop
til you wise up

talking with Roommate and Roommate's girlfriend last night about mom and the sirens and lights started to wail in my head with the "he did NOT just throw the Jesus card at me!" alert. how indignant i can get when i think that someone is patronizing me about Jesus. it makes me crazy. i end up saying wildly immature and unkind things.

i was simply relating to Roommate that there was a period of about 1 hour on thursday before i had all the facts when i had a cold calm pulsing through my body that maybe mom's falling and hitting her head was a mercy. a severe mercy, but, all things considered, blunt head trauma seemed like an entirely merciful end to what we all know is going to be a long and painful path of suffering. her head remained largely unscathed and her hip and the chemo are really the problems, it turns out, but in an hour of total heart and head chaos when all in knew was that "mom had fallen and hit her head on the fireplace and was taken to the ER", the fearful me was folding her hands and listening for whether God was going to tell me He had taken her home, and i was cool with it.

i made the mistake of telling Roommate and Roommate's girlfriend this little revelation, and they laid into me. about how i didn't REALLY want mom to die, how i didn't REALLY want to take a pass on the time we have left with her, even if it's incredibly painful and difficult for all of us. and then, horror of all horrors, it was stated that God was going to use this time to teach our family and friends about relationships and trust and faith and that our suffering would glorify Him and bring us closer together.

all right.

stop right there.

A. we already did that once with dad, and we're all closer and loving and blah blah blah. we learned about perseverance and faith and the Joy of our Salvation. i do not take that lightly and i am not angry at God that the last several years of Dad's life were steeped in pain and sorrow. he DID reach people and i know that his life DID glorify God. i AM a different person because of that experience, and i can and do thank God for it.

B. does this somehow imply that we didn't get it right the first time? that mom's going to suffer because our family and friends didn't love enough or learn enough. i'm guessing that's not what Roommate meant, but that's what i heard.

C. i don't believe that Jesus wants any of his children to suffer. i believe that he USES suffering and pain to draw us close to him. i believe that because we live in a broken world, we will have suffering. we are promised suffering, as a matter of fact, and i expect it. but i do think that if Jesus had decided to take mom home after a whack on the head, or a piano falling out of a window, or something equally quick and ridiculous, that it could be mercy.

anyway, i guess i just felt like i needed to rant a bit about that. even as i typed it, the seething from the perceived slight seemed totally uncalled for, but i was flustered and fuming and writing is a good vent. think about the idea of "vent" for a minute - like when you cut a slit in the plastic of your Lean Cuisine so the steam can escape and you don't scorch your soggy egg rolls. well writing is like that for me most days.

if this madness is not going to stop til i wise up, can someone please grade this essay for me and show it to God?

thanks.