last night i cried all the way home from yoga. and then for a good 30 minutes or so on the couch. and when i say "cry", i mean full-out snotsnuffling heaving sobs.
why?
because the glint of bright new green shoots of crocus leaves shone through the melty snow and mud outside the yoga building, and for a split second i started to dig for my phone to call my mom and tell her. MOM! the crocuses are coming in! i SAW them! it's almost here!
and then i pulled my hand back out of my bag and totally lost it.
every year since i went away to college, mom and i have called each other -whoever is the first to see the flowers poking up out of the ground with hopeful determination - to tell the other one the Good News. spring is on its way. we have almost made it through another winter.
and so i cried. i cried because i will never hear her excited voice on the phone telling me she saw the first purple violets of the year, or that her lilac looks like it is about to sprout, or that the jack-in-the-pulpit has spread into the flower bed, or that i should come home next weekend because the lily of the valley is about to bloom.
i cried because seeing those sprouts of green yank themselves sunward through the sludge reminded me of how hard she fought, how much she loved Life, and how all these simple little "mom always did this" reminders keep sneaking up on me.
and i called Yale and cried again. but of course he doesnt' know what to say. i mostly just called him because i think sometimes that he feels like i hide my grief from him, and i don't mean to, its just that i know he doesn't know what to say and there is nothing he can do. but he listens, and he says encouraging things, and he never makes me feel like i am being ridiculous. so i called him. and it was good. he and my mom would have loved each other so much. they have the same taste in movies. "taste" being action flicks a la steven segal and bruce willis, etc. i like to think that the would have watched their violent movies together and talked about their favorite actors.
today i woke up in enough time to walk the mileandabit to the metra stop to work, and i was eager to be in the bright sun and breathe the spring air and hunt for more flower shoots. and i smiled all the way to the train. and i noticed all these beautiful, wonderful things. like the random outdoor art on glenwood, and the man in front of me on the metra who looked so professional except for his crazy bedhead. and when i stepped out of the metra station, lady gaga's 'pokerface' came on my ipod, and i could NOT keep from dancing all the way to the office. like, dancing. you would have been embarrassed for me. my head almost exploded when i saw, mid-dance, a woman walking her fluffy lab puppy down the sidewalk. it was all i could do to keep from lunging for its adorable face and nuzzling it. and i felt so much Joy that i started to shake a little bit. maybe that was the latte i poured into my empty stomach this morning, but still.
puppies and dance songs and flowers and bedhead. sigh. what a wonderful world.
2 comments:
Jill,
Got to your blog from my fab sis in law (Rox). Loved this entry and my heart aches for you. What a cool spring tradition you and your mom had! We lost my amazing mother in law when she was 52. That was 3 years ago and we are still mourning those times when you just want to pick up the phone and talk to her and introduce her to the new people (kids) in your life. :( I'm happy you were able to dance your way to work today.
hi jorie,
thanks for your note! i really appreciate it. the blog has really helped me be able to acknowledge and process. i'm sure having kids adds a whole new layer to missing your mother in law. i so wish my mom and dad could have met Yale! although part of me thinks they already know him, you know?
thanks for reading and for your encouraging words.
happy spring!
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