little earthquakes

If you've been reading this blog for more than 2 months, you know that I am completely smitten with my dog.  If you have talked with me in person since August, you most certainly have heard much more than you could ever want to know about Auggie and his (probably very boring to you) antics.  I'm sure there are myriad reasons why I should pull back from this near-obsession and rejoin the land of the sane adults who do not fashion felt Halloween costumes for their pets or, gasp, start their own dog blogs.  Sure.  I guess I could do that.  But holy cow, I love this dog. 

I mean, I love Hubs.  I love him to a depth and span that still takes me by surprise, and it is growing all the time.  I love my friends in ways that make my heart sing and bubble up little joys.  But this dog-love is different.  Not "more", but different.  Maybe its the living alone.  Or the fallow field of my maternal instincts finally growing some sprouts.  I don't know what it is, but Auggie has chomped and bounced his way deep deep into my heart. 

Which is why I got hardly any sleep last night.  And why Hubs and I are having some seriouser-than-usual talks about money.  Namely, how much are we willing to spend, and how far are we willing to go to treat his epilepsy?

AugDog had a massive seizure on Friday night.  A big, long, terrifying earthquake of rigid trembling, drooling, and yes, even doggie tears dripping from his eyes.  We were stunned and frantic.  We called Animal 911 in Skokie, and they told us that a seizure that long could kill him.  He could stop breathing, or his internal temperature could rise so rapidly that he just dies of heat stroke.  We took turns holding him and putting our shoes back on and wrapped him up to take him to the animal hospital.  But then, just as quickly as it began, it was over.  And he was back to jumping up on the couch and trying to eat our pizza.

This was his first seizure since August.  We know that our regular vet would recommend medication.  But the side effects and long-term liver damage were risks we were still weighing.  So I spent much of Saturday researching canine epilepsy and Vets who specialize in work with animals like Aug.  Thankfully, he was relatively normal on Saturday and Sunday.  Until about 3:00am this morning when he leapt off the bed and proceeded to throw up three times and flop himself onto the floor in exhaustion.  So I stayed up petting him and soothing him and doing more research online.  And praying.  Is it theologically sound to pray for your pets?  If you have pets, do you pray for them?

He seems right as rain today.  Perky and happy and didn't even whine when I left for the day.  Ate eagerly, walked with the little hop in his step that we love.  Maybe the seizures and the sick were all part of a weekend-long "reset" process.  Who knows.  I made him an appointment for Saturday with a vet in Wilmette that specializes in a Western/Eastern medicine combo for dogs with special needs.  Turns out, she is no more expensive than our current vet (Hooray!), and comes much more highly recommended.

As I sat with sick Auggie last night, smoothing his fur and singing little songs to him, I had a flash of panic that there was no way I could handle being a mom.  That the emotional strain and worry would make me completely crazy.  That this little furry creature was about as much as I could handle.  And then, in the delirium of my exhaustion, a thought flashed into my brain:

But if we have a kiddo in a year or so, he (or she) would be old enough to see Return of the Jedi in the theater when they re-release it in 1218...

Sometimes I really do worry for my mental health.

Aug's seizures and anxiety loop remind me of my panic attacks from a few years ago.  You are anxious, you have a panic attack.  It is so scary that you live in fear of having another panic attack which, of course, brings about more panic attacks.  Repeat.  It's like that with Aug.  Has a seizure, feels afraid of having another one, gets anxious, anxiety and stress cause more neuro storminess, has another seizure.  Repeat.  But he was doing pretty well for a couple of months in there.  We need to find something to break the loop.  For me, it was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and lots of prayer and journalling.  We'll have to be a bit more basic with Aug.  In my reading last night, I discovered this idea of a "safe word".  A safe word is a word combined with an action that you say/do every time you leave the house that your dog learns to associate with the promise that YOU WILL BE BACK.  We are going to try it out. 

Without getting too ridiculous here, I started thinking about God's promise of faithfulness this morning after my very first "Safe Word" trial with Aug on my way out the door.  Learning to believe that He is faithful and true and will never abandon us.  We are not Auggie's gods, but we do have a responsibility to him.  And just like Aug, how easily we forget God's steadfast love and his promise never to leave us.  Anyway, I'd like to think that caring for this little furry dear one of God's creation does help us to learn about love, trust, and faithfulness in a new way.  I believe that God loves Auggie, and brought him into our lives for a reason.  I'll keep my eyes and ears open for all the ways that will play out in our hearts.