Helplessness Blues

To blog or not to blog?

Have you heard people say things like "until you put it on Facebook, it didn't really happen"? That's sometimes how I feel about writing things down. I do still keep a private notebook on paper (I am a compulsive writer. An extrovert. A verbal processor. And possibly a total freak.) but I am self aware enough to know that I probably overshare on my blogs. But here it goes anyway.

So when I got an email invite for a going-away party today, reminding me that yet another set of dear friends is packing up their earthly belongings and moving far, far away, I felt my heart try to claw its way out of my chest and into my mouth so I could barf it up on my desk. Isn't that how all emotionally healthy people deal with their angst? Don't you all feel like you are going to throw up at any minute most days? Yeah, its a full moon. And yes, I am more than a little over tired. But there are no tragedies, no real Big Fears, no really desperate situations looming.

And yet.

I pounded the little "close screen" X on that evite and felt my skin stretched too tightly over my body and frantically typed this paragraph:

Selling mom’s house being bored to tears at my job worried about our future wondering if (hubs) will ever get a job K and P are moving away thinking that I do in fact want to be a mom wondering if I’m ever going to be able to convince (hubs) that that is a great idea wishing I weighed 10 pounds less and felt better and less tired afraid I have arthritis or fibromyalgia worried about a half dozen things I have done over the past couple of months that I can’t undo an look seriously boneheaded in hindsight wishing I would make more time to pray and read the Bible hating our stupid tiny apartment that always looks like a pit missing all my friends who keep moving away wishing I could be a florist and a writer wanting to grow my own food and afraid that I will get cancer from everything and longing for a beautiful home and an epic adventure and a true calling.

Therapy?

Yoga?

Running?

Talking?

Life plan?

What the hell am I supposed to do? I mostly want to go to sleep for a few days. 

So the Fleetfoxes album/song came to mind. I have nothing to be sad about. My life is awesome. I love my husband, actually, like crazy. AugDog lights up my heart. My friends are incredible. We are healthy. There are lots of exciting things going on. God is good - ALL THE TIME. And still I have these helplessness blues.

Of course there are plenty of things in my word vomit paragraph that I could do something about. I could eat better, get more exercise and more sleep, I could look for a new job. I could do more research about adoption. I could get up earlier and pray and read the Bible. I could I could I could I could. When I get smacked around enough to make it happen.

Ah, "first world problems", as they say. I don't like the (good, well-paying, great colleagued) job I HAVE. My shoebox sized (beautiful, well-appointed) apartment has TOO MANY POSSESSIONS in it. My friends are getting great new opportunities that take them AWAY FROM ME. ME ME ME. Cry me a freakin' river. 

The helplessness is all that stuff that feels so far beyond control. Because it is. I can't hold on to anything, really. Not my house/childhood/family, not my friends. Not even my health or illusions of security. Open-handedness is a hard lesson.

I just want to look at pictures of cute puppies all day, and day dream about maybes instead of digging into the right nows.