...but what are you busy about?

The question is not "Are you busy?" but "What are you busy about?"

The only reference I could find for that quote was Oprah Winfrey, and I'm pretty sure that is not where I first read it as a child flipping through one of my parents' many books about faith and life. I can't remember the book, the author, or even what the book was about itself, but I remember reading it on the back of a paperback I pulled from the living room shelf one day. If I were to guess, I'd say that it was probably my mom's copy of the the iconic "Too Busy Not to Pray". It has stuck with me, in some form or fashion, all these years.

I turned 35 last week, and I've been twitchy a bit since then. Not really any mid-life crisis or meltdown. I don't think it is even about my birthday. It IS related to a couple of non-coincidences that I have brushed up against lately.

My job is stressful. It is stressful, and busy, and *literally* expects me to be available 7 days a week. I'm working on trying to set better boundaries and expectations with my colleagues and volunteers, but I have felt frayed to the core lately. No, I'm not working 60+ hours per week, and I know you moms have a 24/7 job. But the lack of REST and chance to leave work at work is just wearing on me. It contributes to the "out of whack-ness" that I can't shake. Healthy eating, sleep, simplicity, housework, organization, prayer, community, time with the Hubs. All of it. Out of whack.

My goal for the month of February was originally to get my schtick together so that I could be organized and calm. To make some new habits and routines to keep focused and grounded. Didn't happen. Didn't happen, just like my Lenten fast didn't really happen.

And then, about 3 days ago, it hit me: I am busy about all the wrong things. A blog post from a writer that I admire, a casual email from a dear friend, a sit-down with my schedule and all the things I was trying to prioritize, and a Smack-You-In-The-Face book that I just happened to pick up last week have all conspired to rattle me into the realization that this isn't about work or bad habits or stress management or healthy breakfasts. It is about pointing your whole life in the direction of Christ.

I'm stressed about email volume and volunteer tracking and not eating enough Omega 3s and making an exercise plan. Like, actually stressed about those things. And this week, my head is exploding with the Massive Duh that all my spinning plates are ultimately futile. They are not bad, or wrong, but they are not The Thing. I do have to work, and I want to eat right and make healthy choices and arrange my daily-life priorities. But I am living every day in my own strength, and worrying about inboxes when I should be pursuing Jesus and making disciples. And, then, worrying about being a Jesus Freak when really I just need to get over it. I'm the "dog freak" now, so, God Freak would actually be a step up.

But how, oh how, to turn your whole life? Just having this realization hasn't lead to much yet. Way back in January, I made a list of ideas/words that I wanted to focus on this year. One of them was "center". As in, find my center in Jesus. But now I think that is too naval-gazing as a long-term strategy. So, I'm working on coming up with a Word of the Year and a Verse of the Year for 35. That is my first goal for this weekend. Then back to all the other to-dos and tasks.