Holding Your Breath

Exhale.

I can finally sigh a deep exhalation at the end of a shaky handed two weeks of anxiety. Les FINALLY heard about his tenure track job offer today. He didn't get it. He didn't get it, and we'll never get to know why. What could he improve upon? What would make him a stronger candidate next time? Why did they choose the person they chose?

And what do we do now?

What do you do when you've been mentally setting up the new Permanent Job Life, with houses and babies and dogs tearing around the perimeter of the proverbial white picket fence? Planning and pinning come to a screeching halt, and we now get to grapple with the reality that he does not have a permanent job, and our Permanent Job Life will not be a reality again this year.

This was The Job. The Perfect Job. You know the one. Great location, great benefits, great pay, teaching classes that he has been dying to teach. We'd move together right back to our loving family and friends and dig back into life with them. We let ourselves think that God had opened this up just for us - to be closer to our families while we start our family. To care for people we love and walk alongside them in their struggles. Les could work, and I could take my time and look for a new job/career path. And or get pregnant or get started on adopting some kiddos. Perfect perfect perfect.

The decision from the school dragged on so long we were literally going bonkers. They had indicated that they would let us know by last Friday, or this past Monday at the latest. So we've been giving ourselves ulcers for a week now. And you know what happens when you're holding your breath and twitchy with hopeful anxiety? Dishes don't get done, laundry piles up, you do almost nothing at work, you startle every time the phone rings. You check your email like a compulsive freak. You eat junk. You impulse buy an expensive leather purse (True story. Heaven help me.). You basically jitter around like a sleep-deprived crack fiend.

So finally, some relief.

There is a bright side. THANK GOD. A cushion for the blow. Les did get an offer from Franklin and Marshall College in Pennsylvania for a one year contract to cover for someone who is on sabbatical. If the next guy up for sabbatical gets approved to go, Les may be able to stay for a second school year. It's a good school with a solid reputation. It's about 6 hours from Raleigh, if we decide to do the long distance deal. We're not excited about living apart, but we're also not excited about both of us being unemployed by this time next year.

We've grown to really love Raleigh and our friends and church here. It would be hard to be nomads. There is no guarantee that Les will be able to get even a one year job somewhere next year. That's just the way academia works. Until you stumble into the Holy Grail - a tenure track job - you are essentially looking for a job from November - May EVERY EFFING YEAR. Every freaking year. Can you imagine being on a nationwide job search every year for over six months of the year? Having to find a new job every year? We had really hoped that The Perfect Job was going to put an end to that constant anxiety and let us have a real home and put down some real roots. I'm choosing to hope that that may still be in the future for us.

Today, though, I'm giving thanks for closure, for a cushion, and a shot at a calm day.