Screwing up God's Plan

Is it possible to totally screw up God's plan for your life?

Les and I are asking ourselves that question this week. After a gleeful honeymoon 2 weeks at his new job, the realities of his teaching load, his students' college readiness, and his future are hitting him hard and he's struggling with regret. Community College, it turns out, is not even a little bit like teaching at a four year school. He feels deflated, discouraged, and so incredibly tired.

This happened with my job in Raleigh, too, if you'll remember. Those first 8 months were absolutely brutal. One night I slumped against the kitchen wall and sobbed that we had made a terrible mistake, and I wanted to go home to Illinois. Les was ready to bust out the boxes and packing tape that night, but we stuck it out. And when we look back over the two years, we can see God's hands all over it. I ended up loving my job, we had amazing friends, and we grew tremendously. Really, it was really awesome. I'm trying to keep that in mind today as my heart is heavy for my brilliant hubby.

We keep assuring each other with things like "I'm sure God has brought us here for a reason" and "We prayed about this decision, and got counsel, and took it all very seriously, and we felt that this was what we were supposed to do. Let's trust." Inevitably, the conversation rounds out with a disheartened "I'll slog it out. I'm trapped here at least until I can get something published.".

And so, I ask again: Is it possible to totally screw up God's plan for your life?

Could we have mis-heard? Did we really even listen at all when making the decision for Les to take this job? Were we just so excited to have an offer in a familiar place that we screamed "We'll take it!!" over Jesus's soft pleas that we hold our horses?

Throw a house purchase and the gray clutches of buyers remorse creaking around my heart, and we've got ourselves a big ole' mess.

I don't really regret buying the house for the house's sake (yet). I just regret jumping so happily into Permanent Community College Life when Permanent Community College Life's sharp edges have started to cut deep, only 3 weeks in. Les was SO happy those first two weeks. Happier than I have ever seen him. Adorable, really. It felt like the sun had risen on a sweet season. It was so sweet, in fact, that I struggled with waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, I got over that for a few days, and then KABOOM. Dropped.

I get that there is no such thing as a perfect job. I get that work is supposed to be work. I even get that the first year or so at a new job is almost always bone-rattlingly difficult. But I get antsy when I start to see the soul-crushing sadness of "What have I done?" crystalize around my loved one's eyes. Because really, one thing is a given: Getting back into 4 year academia is nearly impossible once you've gone the CC route. Les is a remarkable guy, but I've read the reports.

Yesterday afternoon, I drove over to the new house and walked around the backyard by myself. I was feeling sadness for Les's sadness and for the enormity of the upheaval we have invited into our lives. As I rounded the corner of the massive wildflower bed, a dozen or so small birds sputtered and flapped from the echinacea flowers to the maple, and a brilliant yellow goldfinch caught my eye as it launched itself from a sturdy flower to the tree. My heart felt totally at peace, and totally reassured that this would be a beautiful home for us, for a time at least.

So, I'm shaking off the sadness by listening to my Worship playlist. "All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me". Whether we mis-heard or not. Whether we made a blundering choice or not, whether our house's floors will be perfect or not, whether we end up moving again in a little while or not, and even whether Les loves his job by the end of this year or not. God is faithful, even when we biff.