Gray Skies

Before we left Raleigh, a dear Jesus-loving friend of mine sat me down and gracefully insisted that I take "several months to a year off" as a sabbatical when we got to Illinois. She said she felt clearly that I needed rest, reflection, and rejuvenation to gear up for what would be the "next season" to come after our resettlement phase. I nodded politely and assured her that I would try, but that I would probably go mad if I didn't have a job. I promised her I would take at least a few months.

And now it has been 4 months, and I have to say I feel neither refreshed nor properly enlightened. There is still work to do on the house, but it has stalled thanks to my utter disinterest in painting ONE MORE INCH. I go online to look at jobs once a week or so, but each posting I open fills me with a little pang of dread. My heart reminds me that I could pour myself into volunteering, and my brain likes the sound of it, but nothing has come to fruition yet. I think I'm on the right track for that though. Trying to be patient. I know the holidays are ridiculously busy for non-profits too.

I need more structure in my life - more of a schedule for the vast span of day that I greet each morning. All you working folks and mommas out there probably want to hit me with a sock full of quarters at this point, and I'll give you a free shot. Les, I think, is mystified by my lack of direction. Not judgey or frustrated, just perplexed. "I will never live long enough to read all the books I want to read or study all the things I want to study. I would KILL for so much free time! Do whatever you want!".

Turns out that "doing whatever I want" is harder than it sounds. Maybe the winter is partly to blame. My motivation to do much of anything seems to plummet when the skies are gray and the drafts gust in at the windows and it's pitch dark by 4:30pm. I need some goals and a plan to achieve them, otherwise all I will have to show for this sabbatical will be an all time top score on Bejewelled Blitz.

One thing really has started to poke through, like a crocus through the snowy crust of my heart: I think God is definitely trying to get at me through all this down time. I'm starting to hear Him, a little bit, I think (maybe). I've always had friends who have said they "hear from God" or "God told them" such and such. I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe that's happened to me before too, but never in a way so clear or obvious that I could say "God told me to take a whole year off from work" or anything like that. But lately, in and around all this almost infuriating stillness and quiet, something is beginning to stir.

I started trying meditation today for the first time ever outside of a yoga class. The instructions I read said to START with 10 minutes. Yeah. Fat chance. I probably made it through 3 minutes, tops. But you have to start somewhere, right? I sat cross legged on my yoga mat and breathed in to "Be still and know" and out to "that God is God". 3 minutes felt like an eternity, and I didn't hear any specific divine revelations, but I did feel peaceful and hopeful that God will jump in here and direct me. It is thrilling and terrifying to realize that you are open to pretty much anything.

And here's the thing about gray skies: the clouds hulk up and keep the warm air closer to the earth, right? So it's actually warmer, even though it looks ominous. Who knows what will incubate in this season?