Baby Steps

There is some quote out there somewhere about writers writing because "I don't know what I really think about something until I write about it". That's why I have piles of notebooks, usually three going at once, full of thoughts and ramblings. That's why I have two blogs and the AugBlog. That's why, when I can't think of anything else to do to fend off the coming implosion, I write. I write when I am thankful, I write when I'm confused, I write to try to workshop the perfect way to describe the sublime futility of shoveling one's driveway while it is snowing.

So today I'm writing because these Baby Steps are real. They are so real, in fact, that I'm still trying to process everything myself. Stuff is happening, and I'm not really interested in secret-keeping these days. It takes too much work.

Two weeks ago, I met with an OBGYN who specializes in diagnosing fertility problems and, as the practice website lists, "Fertility Management". I guess there are people who have so much fertility they need help managing it. I am not one of those people. Les and I have been "trying" to get pregnant for over a year now. As in, no goalie and copious note-keeping about the days that would likely be the Prime Time to Do It. I've read some books. I've talked to a few close friends about it. I've even started doing a "Maximizing Your Fertility" DVD every day. I'm investigating options for fertility-focused accupunture. And in a couple of weeks I'll have my first round of blood tests to check out my hormone situation. Les will be undergoing a test or two himself.

It is really remarkably CRAZY to find myself in this time and place actually trying to get pregnant. I have been more afraid of getting pregnant than would be rational for a long-celibate, late-marrying woman in her 30s. During our pre-marital counseling, we boldly "skimmed" the section of the book about parenting because we were so sure we were never going to have kids. After we got married, I started reading everything I could get my hands on that affirmed our Childless by Choice inclinations, and I felt confident that long-term birth control was the best option for us.

Until it wasn't.

A few years ago, I sketched out some notes for a someday memoir that would be titled "The Best Things In My Life Turned Out to Be the Things I Swore I'd Never Do". Those things included Staying in Chicago, Internet Dating, Quitting Hair Dye, Running a Marathon, Getting a Tiny Dog, and Marrying a Catholic. It turns out that so many of the very biggest blessings in my life have come in the package of something I would have turned down, or even SHUNNED at an earlier point in my life. And now, somehow through the Lord's providence, we find ourselves in deep want of a small person in our home and strollers and baby stuff clogging our hallways.

We want it so much, in fact, that we've also made some steps towards adoption. Les attended a Q&A session about adoption and foster care while I was in Portland, and I have been sending inquiry emails to adoption agencies. God has brought people into our lives (kind of out of the blue) who have recently adopted or who work for adoption agencies. I even went so far as to private message a Facebook Friend who was looking for a new home for her baby crib and organic mattress set to put my hat in the ring. Another of her friends had beat me to it. But still. I tried to by a crib last night.

It's gettin' real you guys.

So we'll keep trying the DIY route, and in the mean time, we'll get to work on the enormous amount of paperwork required to convince the state that you are not a murderer or a crack pot. I'm glad those safeguards are in place, for the kids' sakes, but I'm also glad that I can put all this unemployed time to good use. It looks like adoption stuff will be my new part time job.

We shall see. Suggestions (and prayers) welcome!