love to hate you

let me disclaimer this with a simple grain of salt: i am writing angry. and i shouldn't! it's like drinking and driving. but sometimes the only thing i can do is write. i promise to edit later when i have felt sufficiently vented.

is there anything more maddening and perplexing than being 'accused' of being in love with someone? you can't really disprove it. you can't really offer substantial evidence. you are being tried by a jury of your peers (or at least a terribly partial judge who thinks himself to be the very sun we squinty-eyed pagens worship).

the funniest part about this whole terrible crumbling apart is that of all the days and nights, all the crazy, intimate, warm, loving, funny, drunk moments i have spent with The Boy over the past 3+ years, i was the chilliest and most distant from him last weekend than i can ever remember being. the least tormented about my feelings. the least flirtatious. the most stoically quizzical of what mythic and heroic i ever could have seen in him. did he sense that disdain and decide to torture me? possibly. possibly.

i flew all the way to dallas to see him. to see if there was friendship enough to salvage. to start something new. a new chapter. a better one. from a healthy place. (need some back story? click here and then here.) it went well enough. some fun parts, some not fun. a little warm, mostly distant. i decided on the plane ride home that it was worth it. that our friendship was worth it. that it was something i could work to restore. i sent him an email thanking him for the weekened and explaining a bit more about some things i had been thinking. i think it ended positively enough.

got to work today and read his reply. hit on some of the things i talked about in my email. then laid out three possible explanations for some of the ambivalence i was feeling. the last of which, the one he decided seemed most plausible, is that i am actually in love with him.

WTF?????? seriously? seriously. are we having this conversation? before i venture into 'methinks she doth protest too much' territory, let me just say as plainly and honestly as possible that i am not in love with him. never have been.

it's not easy to be close to a boy, to love him, and not be in love with him. it's not easy. i don't recommend it. i have the Boy, and i have another best boy friend, Ivan. neither of whom i have ever been in love with. but i love them. and they love me. and we don't mess around for that very reason. and 90% of the time i am not confused about any of the questions of 'feelings'.

the other 10% generally involves alcohol or the quiet desperation that creeps into my un-filled heart when i decide that either the Boy or Ivan is the best thing anywhere near my horizon.

anyway. i digress. i'm so angry that the Boy could throw this at me after it has been so hard to trust him again, after i have had to put up with so much crap from every direction about my friendship with him. and now i'm wondering if any of it could have possibly been worth it.

and so, i humbly announce that i open the doors for all the 'i told you so's and tsking tongues. i guess harry and sally were right. men and women cannot be friends. who was i to tempt fate that way? why did i think i could do what no one has successfully done in the history of the world?

for those of you keeping track, i can say at this point right now that the Boy friendship is all but snuffed out. i'm not super open to figuring it out this time. if we can't trust each other then there is not much left.