sweet surrender

i saw a high school friend this weekend at her parents' house. i haven't been to her house in over five years at least, but when i walked in the back door it smelled exactly like her house. in that comforting homey way that you carry around with you in your brain. that scent hit my nose and a slide show of memories started whirring - home made treats, trampolines, giggles, terrible mid-90s work out videos, starry cool nights and crickets chirping.

she and i are the only 2 who are still unmarried (and/or childless) from our high school circle of friends.

we both recalled the night when the three of us - she and i and our other best girl friend - collapsed into a pile of giggles on the trampoline in the back yard when our friend announced very confidently that 'i'm going to find a husband this year.' and we all laughed because of course all college juniors want to have that engagement wrapped up by the time they walk off the stage at graduation. we just laughed and wished her luck. she did, of course, get married the next summer to a boy she met in a library a few months after her bouncy announcement.

that's just a little vignette from my college days.

there are a lot of things slinging around in my world lately, and frankly i have felt like love and romance and intrigue are the least of my worries. its a strange kind of calm. like an acceptance of the BIGNESS and inevitability of life, of all of it, of love and death and hope and despair and agency and total incapacity. somewhere in between faith and flopping exhausted at God's feet. arms open. surrender. in the waving the white flag, covered in mud in the trenches kind of surrender. that's what i've got these days. romance is kind of on the back burner until further notice.

sweet surrender
is all that i have
to give
- sarah mclachlan