if fate was supposed to find me on the excursion to portland this weekend, we must have missed each other. (recall the "do you believe in FATE?" sticker on the mailbox in which i deposited the wedding reply card...)
i did bump into some other things unexpectedly:
1. somewhere in the last almost 8 years, i have become a city girl. maybe if we had spent more time in portland proper, i would have felt less like i was on an isolated (if breathtakingly beautiful) castaway island. the quaint towns and the yummy local food notwithstanding, it would take me a looooooong time to find my way into a peaceful calm in wide open space like that again. the clusters of twinkling city lights from the plane over chicago had a welcoming urgency about them: visit there, stay here.... as if i now become anxious when it is TOO quiet, too calm, too rural, too spread out.
i consider the possibility that it was just an anxious weekend all around. maybe all the twitch and quaking had less to do with OR and rural WA and more to do with all the peace i haven't really sunk my teeth into about my life generally.
2. T and i drank a toast to the Epic Ex and his new bride at the time of their ceremony on saturday and i meant it. i meant it, and i remembered again that my pain over this whole situation is pain about what i DO NOT have. not pain about his happiness or him not choosing me. my issues, my envy, my impatience, my self pity. i can be happy that he is happy and still not excited or warm and fuzzy about the inevitable PDA that i will witness. when there is no one looped through my arm or twining through my gloved fingers or smacking my chapped lips into his.
3. eat pray love. i finally bought the book and i finally started reading it. a-mazing. just what i needed. if perhaps the only real purpose of this trip was to provoke me into finally purchasing and diving into this book, well then i think it was worth it.
4. when i packed my bag for this trip, i let my quotidian self-censorship off the hook. i didn't have to ask "what would T think if i packed my mini skirt and tall boots for our day at the beach?" or "i hope T doesn't mind if i fully intend to sing along to her ipod for the ENTIRE ROAD TRIP". because T is one of those friends that gets your ridiculousness and loves it. is not embarrassed by it or even slightly ruffled by the idea of spending a weekend acting purely on whim and apathy to the masses. want to pose next to giant ugly fish at the fish hatchery? yes please. (how many other friends would even SUGGEST going to the fish hatchery as a side trip?).... so that was quite a huge relief.
5. Epic Ex is married. i need to write that again, just to practice: Epic Ex is married. a husband. someone else's. and overall i feel fine. 'fine' in the sense that i'm not pining or sad. just weird. it's just weird.
so those were my musings about the trip. good trip. beautiful, beautiful place. i hadn't been to OR since i was about 14, so it was cool and bizarro to re-trace some of those family vacation locales. i do think i would like to live in a place that is so eco and outdoor obsessed. somewhere where dogs are universally revered and more cars have kayaks strapped to the top than not. where the food on your plate likely travelled less than 50 miles from where it was raised. where there are trees and mountains and oceans and rocks and, lets not forget, moss on every blessed thing. but for now i am home. home in a city that bustles and blares and freezes and wanders along the lake.
No comments:
Post a Comment