faithful to me

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand, just to watch them all wash away
Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand, I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

sheesh, sometimes i just want to smack my "2 hours ago" self and wonder how is it possible that she forgets sooooo easily. you know, when suddenly the sea parts and a blessing plops down in front of you and you're embarrassed that you ever doubted and then so thankful that your chest actually hurts because your heart it pumping so hard.

anyway. i'm not usually one to risk "jinxing" things like this, but i'm becoming more and more convinced that God doesn't play "jinx" with us. thank goodness. so i'm going to share while its still fresh in my brain.

i've been looking for a new apartment. i have been pining and wishing for about 3 years now that somehow i could manage to get a place by myself. the last 2 times i have moved, i have tried to find an apartment that i could move in, settle down, decorate to my whims and asthetic and peripatetic tastes. mine mine mine mine. my mess, my colors, my furniture. ALL MINE!!! (imagine my fist pumping at the sky, and a maniacal sneer on my face).

well, i was pretty well set to do just that this time. until a friend let me know that a friend of hers wanted to move up to our neighborhood and was looking for a roommate. at first i was deflated and defensive. in my heart i didn't want to give up my dream of the MY APARTMENT fantasy. i wanted to believe that i would be better, healthier, calmer, by myself. that i could afford to live alone and still save and not have to depend on anyone as much as i actually do depend on my current roommate for sanity, financial backing, and levity.

but after i had seen a few of the places i could afford, i started to soften. so i emailed the girl and we started talking and it seemed like we had enough in common to give this a go. and i realized that i could get a MUCH nicer place with a roommate than i could on my own. can we say "in-unit washer dryer"? so we started looking. and looking. and soon i was rehearsing my mental script of "i gave up worrying for Lent. i gave up worrying for Lent." over and over again in my head. sometimes outloud. it seemed as though we would NEVER find a place that we both liked.

yesterday we looked at 7 apartments. i really really really wanted one of them, she really really really wanted a different one, and neither of us wanted to look anymore. i had a sinking feeling that the next several weekends were going to go around in similar circles, or that one of us was going to end up with the seeds of resentment sown into this new friendship. but we had one more apartment to see. number 8. i laughed because it is only about 2 buildings down from where i currently live, and the exterior of the place is nothing to write home about. standard condo gut rehab.

but you know where this is going, of course.

the second we got to the door, before it even opened, she and i were beaming at each other. as if our new home was whispering to us from the other side of the heavy wood entryway. every step revealed a new delight: ginormous closets, beautiful custom cabinetry, gobs of light and floor space, big bedrooms, enclosed back porch, washer dryer, dishwasher, AND the rent includes heat and a parking space. for less than i am paying now. we didn't even have to talk to each other, our ridiculous beaming faces indicated to us both that THIS is where we want to live. we waited until the owners car pulled to the next block before we began our dance of joy, right there on the sidewalk, and we called them back about 30 min. later to tell them that we would like to rent their unbelieveably beautiful place.

so now we just have some paperwork to finish. which always makes me a little twitchy, because i have moved so much and had so little contact with my previous landlords. and my soon-to-be roommate is still in grad school. but i'm hopeful.

and last night, i couldn't sleep because i felt so thankful my heart was almost bursting. like too much, too much beauty, too much goodness. all wrapped up in an already-perfect paint job around the apartment.

best part? no roommates were harmed in the making of this decision. a very good start indeed.