running to stand still

well, i did it. i registered for the chicago marathon. so i have just about 6 months to get my butt in gear. i'm going to work out after work today, for one thing, even though i absolutely do not want to. my enthusiasm for the marathon idea has waned sharply since the late fall, and even since last month when i was all excited about registering. suddenly there was a precipitous plunge in my eagerness to get up before the crack of dawn to run umpteen miles and whiling away hot summer saturday mornings dragging my sorry booty down the lakefront. but i'm going to do it.

why?

good question.

i don't really really know. i only sort of know. it has something to do with wanting to force myself to discipline something in my life. it has something to do with wanting to be able to say i did it. it has something to do with wanting to really push my body while its still healthy and strong to do something that even i do not think i can actually do.

to sneak somewhere into that shady space where soul meets body.

somehow, in a way i can't quite figure out, running this race has something to do with mom. but i'm not sure what. i don't even know if she will be there to see it.

check up this week says that tumor markers are way up. not good. so all the miserable sick she has been is NOT because the harsh chemo is doing the job and kicking the cancer's butt. it's just kicking her butt, tumors unscathed. when i asked her about how she felt about that, she just said "well, they have other things to try so i guess we'll just keep trying". like she was talking about the pancake selection at IHOP or something.

but i guess that's how she does it. this amazing mom of mine. one foot in front of the other, peeling yourself out of bed every morning to just DO IT. whatever IT is today. so maybe i have no idea what it is like to feel my body torn apart by cancer and chemo and incessant vomiting, hair loss, bone snapping and pain. i hope i never do. but maybe peeling myself out of bed when i'd rather be sleeping, slapping bandaids on my blistered feet, the pain and the self-inflicted misery is my brain's idea of solidarity with her. even if there is no logical connection. even if its totally incomparable.

so today i signed up to put one foot in front of the other for 26 miles. and to raise some cashola for the American Cancer Society. because not every body's mom has a kick-ass support network of a church, a family, and a cloud of friends to cheer her on to her own strong finish. and the ACS builds that up for people, to cheer them on to their finish line, whatever that looks like for them.

i really really really hope that mom is there waiting for me at the end of the race. i'll run for her, even if she's not.