thank you

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

i hate it when there just is not a song title BIG enough for the blog post i want to write.

will someone smack me in the face already??? i SUCK at remembering the Lord's goodness. i am pathetic for thinking that my "giving up worrying for Lent" is just a funny half-truth to make me feel pious or participatory.

seriously? i cannot, i do not, i'm sputtering with thankfulness, as i keep doing over and over again over the past couple of weeks. i have no words.

except, of course, you know i'm gonna keep writing.

i registered for the marathon AND i committed to raising $1000 for the american cancer society. somewhere about 2 miles into my meager 3 mile treadmill run last night, the cold vines of terror began to climb up my feet and legs and make their way to my heart. i started to feel exhausted, defeated, doubtful, and straight-up regretful. what was i thinking? i can't do this! this is stupid. 2 miles and i'm ready to go home and take a nap. i am kidding myself.

i didn't sleep very well last night, and i woke up tired. i've been thinking about the marathon and the fund raising all day today, but i've been trying to repeat to myself that i gave up worrying for Lent, and that i meant it. not only did i give up worrying, but technically i also gave up saying mean things about myself for Lent, so if i am serious about that then i have to take a weed-wacker to those panic vines when they start to choke up "you're too heavy to run a marathon." "you're in terrible shape! you're never going to do it" into my ears.

i emailed my friend PM who ran last year for charity and asked him if he had trouble raising the cash, and how he did it. i also asked him whether he felt "called" to run the marathon or to raise the money. i had begun to rationalize my fear into a consideration of whether i was asking Jesus to bless my plans, rather than prayerfully asking whether my plans were part of His desires for me. which is, i think, a valid question.

which i sat on all day, trying to pick off my worries and fears one by one, like they were scratchy burrs stuck to my sweater.

then out of the blue, my old roommate facebook chatted me and asked me what i was up to. i told her i was trying not to worry about the marathon or the fund raising. she asked me how she could donate, so i sent her the link. i was hoping for even $20, just some encouragement to get me going. so when i checked back a little while later, i saw my first donation was for $100! no way! i was overcome. she also sent me a sweet note about putting one foot in front of the other and not worrying about all the zillions of miles of training ahead.

it's funny that i rarely felt particularly close to her when we lived together, but this is not the first time when she has popped up out of nowhere to encourge me at exactly the right time.

while all this is going on, my phone rings from a number i don't recognize. it's emily from the american cancer society. she's my 'team captain' and she called to see if i had any questions, to welcome me to the team, and to let me know that she would be my contact person for all things marathon and fund-raising related. she also let me know that as long as i keep in contact with her, i can actually reduce my fund raising commitment as long as they know that i have tried everything i can. which gave me a huge sense of relief.

so, you see, the 'giving up worrying for Lent' has been a remarkable exercise in "DO YOU MEAN IT? DO YOU TRUST ME?" from Jesus.

thanks, Jesus. thanks lisa and emily and paul and everyone who has encouraged me already. and thanks to all of you who will support my efforts all the way to the finish line.