boys don't cry

i got an email from The Boy this week. the first time he's initiated any communication since october. we've emailed bits here and there, but it has always been me reaching out. i was worried for him, concerned, invested. then i stopped. it was time. i gave it up and decided to really let it go, and i did. so this was completely unexpected.

well, i guess not "unexpected", since i know that he is in a lot of pain. and i have been praying for him. and i do care about him. but the distance has felt healthy.

anyway. the email was rattling for a couple of reasons.
1. it contained incorrect punctuation and grammar. The Boy is never sloppy about these kinds of details.
2. it contained only 2 sentences. i'll refrain from plagarism and total violation of privacy, but suffice to say it went something like this: "life sucks. how are you?"

i emailed him back with a sort of list. it started "i am......" and then listed things like "moving on friday" and "training for the marathon" and "going home to rockford every weekend to see mom". scant on detail, relatively light, honest but not terribly forthcoming.

i left out "worried about you".

i'm still trying to work out whether i really AM. i mean, i am. worried about him. i know that life for him down there is, by all accounts, pretty miserable these days. and i could tell from the email that something was off (substances, mental acuity, extreme depression? not sure). plus the nudges to pray for him have been strong and frequent over the last month or so.

but really.

i also don't know that i have the emotional energy or desire to actively worry about him. and i'm not convinced that that is my place any more.

love, yes. pray, yes. listen, yes. reactive, supportive, and not alone in it. so, friends who know The Boy and care for him, i'll ask you to pray. and if he replies to my email, i may inlist one or two of you to keep sentinel with me over my heart and brain. there are some dark places i'm not sure i'm ready or willing to go right now. or, at least, there are some who may be better equipped and sturdy than i.