since you've been gone

since you've been gone
i can breathe for the first time
i'm so movin on
yeah yeah

in an email conversation about 2 years ago, The Boy suggested that i sing some kelly clarkson to myself but to sing it about "fear" - like a smack down to the fear that i had left behind. some cognitive behavioral therapy if you will. i was afraid a lot in those days. panic attacks, sleeplessness, the early gurgle of some ulcers brewing, the whole bit. he also suggested that i read "hinds feet on high places". i hate it that he was so right, but he was - terrific book and very effective silent karaoke pep talks.

anyway, i'm babbling.

the point is, i realized today that a lot of things that used to make me tremble in fear barely even register a blip now. a silly example. one of my first and biggest panic attacks ever was about 6 years ago on a metra train riding home from ravinia. as i sat on a packed rush hour metra to work this morning i remembered how a couple of years ago even seeing the metra go by made my heart race with fear. even when i started riding it again i stayed near the door and thought about my escape plan every single time i stepped up the steps. i've been taking the train every day to work for over 6 months now, and i'm pretty sure today was the first time i even THOUGHT about how afraid i used to be. God is good.

the thing about fear is how REAL it feels at the time. in my head i knew that i was not going to die from a panic attack. but each time i started to have one, i was convinced that this time i was going to drop dead. or (possibly worse) puke all over myself and pass out in a puddle of mess and then still be alive and have to deal with that uncomeliness and humiliation. on the metra today i thought about "hinds feet" and about the main character, Much-Afraid. she learns to follow the Shepherd and to leave her life of Fearing behind.

some things still make me feel afraid. not having a clue about what to do with my life, fearing that i might never fall in love and get married, worried about mom, fear of trying to actually run this dang marathon and raise all that money....

but since i gave up worrying for Lent i guess i still have two more weeks of deliberately living worry-free. and it feels good to breathe, so i think i'll even extend my moratorium on clutching anxiousness and try to live fearlessly even in all the uncertainty.