hurt

my body aches. like my skin is stretched too tight over my body. people want to hug me, but i wince away with the anticipation that they might snap me.



we're meeting with the hospices tomorrow. it was supposed to be today, but my brother can't get here soon enough to be here for the meeting we had set up for this afternoon. so instead my sister and i drove to the bank to show our power of attorney forms and get print outs of her assets/liabilities and have spent the day on the phone making calls to insurance companies, her lawyer, her accountant, her banks, the social security office.



as much as i know she thought she set up to make it easier for us, as much as i know she tried to get everything in order a long time ago, the more we unravel the more we discover things that were overlooked, or underfunded, or not signed up for, or not signed at all. everyone has been really helpful and kind and sympathetic, but. there's always a but.



friends keep reminding us that everything will work out. the right people will appear to help us, the money will turn up, the right decisions will be obvious. i hope so. we want to get all this administrative garbage sorted out ASAP so we can focus on mom and spending time with her. and for me, that also means figuring out how i can still "work from home", which so far has involved me checking to my work email and going "eh....don't care."

ugh. when i finally ate today i filled up on potbellys and even had a chocolate shake. and now i'm not just achey but also overfull.

the days have gone by remarkably fast. ridiculously fast. never enough time, never bored, never really antsy to leave or not be by her side. never any time to do my "work" work and never any time to feel bad about that.

i go outside to the parking lot and fill my nose with apple blossom and cut grass. fill my lungs with fresh air and new life and spring and hopefulness.