kyrie eleison

kyrie eleison
kyrie
kyrie eleison

lord have mercy
lord
lord have mercy

so. so i am not praying. thank you, all of you, who have been doing that for me and for us. the best i can do is to sing. sometimes outloud and sometimes just in the crying part of my throat. but sometimes even those words seem too close and too gloriously scorching, so in that case i revert to latin. even saying "christ have mercy" outloud gets caught in my mouth and drowned out by tears most times. kyrie eleison is smoother. damn, i wish i was catholic. i would have a lot more material to work with.

when i think about mom, even now that she's confused and doesnt' really know what's going on all the time, i always think about the song "how can i keep from singing?". it's a challenge to me now, and i ask it of myself every day. the prayers get stuck. the words disappear. i know the lord hears the groaning of my heart. i know that he loves us. i just don't have any words to pray. not even to beg.

i fell asleep the other night while trying to pray the Lord's Prayer. i'm just using other people's words now, but at least those words were Jesus's words...

speaking of plagarism, my friend JB emailed me today and said that i am at the crossroads of life's greatest grief and greatest hope. and that is exactly how it feels. pain like i didn't even imagine - her physical pain, the pain of grief and loss - and the hope. i mean, seriously, what do people do who do not know the hope of eternity with christ? i have no idea. and if mom did not have it, or if i did not have it, then the pain and grief really would be unbearable. really would be the end of all hope.

the ramblings of a sleep deprived person. apologies. i'll go back to scrounging up some more latin chants to sing.