99 red balloons

this is my 99th post! can ya believe it?

i'm sitting in my new apartment with a bottle of blue moon summer brew and i have to say that right at this moment, i feel pretty damn OK. entirely adequately calm, happy, encouraged, supported, known, loved, amazed, overwhelmed, thankful.

convinced that life does in fact go on. revitalized by almost 2 straight weeks 'at the country house' with the dog and the trees and the sunlight sparkling through the leaves.

when the big cheery EMTs carted mom from the ambulance into our house to her new bedroom in the living room, they oooohed and aaaahed over her garden and the view and the house and they lingered on the path from the drive way so that mom could see her garden and lay smiling with her face to the sun for a few moments before going inside. she grinned and shook her head from side to side with her eyes closed and an 'mmmmmmm sunnnnn....' purring on her mouth.

it really is a gripping view, no matter how many times i see it. so lush and unexpected.

i will miss it. miss having a home to come home to. miss running through the cornfields with a dog the size of a bison and seeing the rusty crest of his back slice through the tall weeds along the road until he appears, panting and thrilled to just run and breathe and be close to me.

(i would also like a boy who would be panting and thrilled just to run and breathe and be close to me).....

in the spirit of "99 red balloons", i was going to list 99 things that i am thankful for. but i'm finishing up this post at work after the internet went sketchy at the apartment last night, so how about 9 things:

spring
lilly of the valley
angus
the steady stream of friends and family coming to see mom
mom's warm smile and easy jokes
running on country roads
my dear friends - long time steady rocks and the unexpected ones coming out of the woodwork
being back at work for a few days
hope. a kind that i don't even understand.