runaway

i registered today for the chicago half marathon as part of my marathon training. and then had the icy strangle of panic tighten up as i dilligently marked down my run schedule into my planner. i'm really supposed to be running 10 milers by the end of june? after a windy unpleasant 5.5 miles on sunday morning i'm beginning to fear that this marathon pipe dream is nonsense.

then i think about how brilliantly nonsensical it could really be, and therapeutic, and good for focus and endurance. i've already done one impossible thing this year, why not make it 2?

i think about running away. it's is a strong and steady siren song that keeps teasing me back towards the same fantasy: pay up all the bills, pack up just the necessities in cheeky vintage vinyl luggage, hop the train to the airport and just fly away. never never land. california, portugal, tanzania, argentina, thailand, DC, where ever the spirit moves me.

when i think about the last 10 years or so, i feel like i can barely recognize the person i used to be. in mostly good ways, but still. like i am stuck spinning in this body and this city and this geographic and metaphysical state, but my heart is pumping a new rhythm and my spirit looks sympathetically back at the old me.

exhibit A: email from The Boy today. we had a perfunctory and soulless conversation last tuesday about mom, and proceeded to email a little bit to prove to each other that neither of us are, in fact, heartless robots. but in his email today he actually asked me to think about where in the world i would like to move with him and his current girlfriend and a handful of their friends. start over, all of us, in a new experiment. and i laughed outloud.

i'm not running away from him, or towards him, any more. ever.

exhibit B: i'm not scared of much anymore. let me repeat that: i am not scared.
i cannot remember any time in my life when i had this strong a hold on peace and calm and had this little worry swimming anxiously in my head. i'm sad, sure. i am. but when all your biggest fears have come true in the past 2 years, you become hard pressed to drum up new things to grow ulcers over.

Old List of Top Fears:
- Epic Ex falling in love and getting married before me. CHECK!
- The Boy moving away and leaving me to my own devices and hang ups. CHECK!
- Something happening to mom. CHECK!
- Still being single at 30. CHECK! (plus a year and a half)
- Being pathetically broke. CHECK! (but improving)

New List of Top Fears:
- Being eaten by sharks
- Accidental public nudity
- Getting hurt training for the marathon
- Discovering that my new runner/yogi body is actually pretty damn hot and becoming a trollop

so what if all this running and running could burn off all that old energy of running away and channel it for good? what if i just log pavement miles instead of frequent flier miles? maybe all the things i wanted to run away from don't even exist any more?

and anyway, i'm much farther away from shark attacks if i just stay put.

we'll see.
there is a lot of potential for new adventure when the fearlessness really starts to take hold.

i think it all started with the BELIEVE mantra and the Optimism Experiment. i highly recommend both.