the fear

i don't know what's right or what's real anymore
i don't know what i'm meant to feel anymore
and when do you think it will all become clear?
cause i'm being taken over by the fear...

i talked on the phone to Yale last night for 1.5 hours. it was good. warm and heavy mixed with silly and light. we've been talking almost every day. text and email every day for sure. i fell asleep last night feeling like something had shifted in that conversation. something valuable and important. like i was starting to trust him with my real self, the messy, stupid, emotional, failed self. and that that was OK. and he was starting to do the same with me. and i still liked him. and i fell asleep happy and excited.

then this morning i got an email from him about how our convo last night was a turning point for him. that he feels unburdened to try to do or be or come across as someone other than who he is. that he thinks i'm wonderful. that he's excited about me. that he is flawed and has issues and hurts and ugly pieces, but that he wants to patiently keep getting to know me and letting me know him.

i called san fran K during my lunch break to tell her about Yale. we hadn't gotten to talk yet about due to our unweildy game of phone tag. but the more i told her about him, the more excited i got. silly, butterflies, i'm going to puke on the sidewalk kind of excited. and i felt all fluttery and happy.

until i got back to my desk and decided to tell him that i, too, am very excited about getting to know each other. i emailed him. and it was honest. i hadn't been too forthcoming with my thoughts/feelings about him so far. it was just a brief little "i'm excited about you too. and i just told K all about you, and she likes you already." and then instantly upon sending it, a wash of trembling fear came over me.

what am i doing? this is crazy. i don't know how i feel about him, really. what if my friends don't like him? what if my siblings aren't crazy about him? what if he's really more of a supernerd than i realize, because i just want to be in a relationship and i'm blinded to the illfittingness of the situation? what if he's offended if i suggest we go shoe shopping for him?? and on and on. you see what i mean.

fear.

deep breath. well, i have to remind myself that even if it turns out to be a big disaster, i will be OK. everything will be OK. better than OK. BELIEVE it's gonna be good.