i can't fight this feeling anymore

ok, so it's official.

i have come very very close to being put on probation at my job, and it was the first major slap to the head that counseling is going to be a must. soon. immediately. like, right now.

my work has been, in a word, crappy lately. i am not used to not being a rock star at my job. probably partly because i have never had a particularly difficult or challenging job. probably also because i have had about 50/50 luck on awesome bosses. but over the past few months, my work has been sloppy, inconsistent, and sometimes downright bizarro.

case in point: my boss comes to me yesterday with a folder of document revisions i had submitted to her last week or the week before. her face is a little flushed, and i know that she has just come from a pow-wow with the VP. this is not going to be good. she is flustered, and as she goes over the documents i had given her, my heart starts to sink into my stomach and i realize that some strange alien had taken over my body, scribbled gibberish into a word document, and submitted it to my boss without my knowledge. that's what it looked like - it was so so so incomprehensible, i couldn't even remember creating them.

this convo had me so startled, sad, and embarrassed that it wrapped tight around me all night. i slept terribly, and got up early this morning so i could get to work early to talk to my boss, who gets in at 7:30 every day. i sat down at her desk and told her that i was not proud of my work lately, that i was actually really embarrassed, that i know i can do better, and that i really want to be a rock star at this position. i know i can be, and i want to be. and i'm sorry. (and of course i'm crying in little drips as i say this). her face is flushed, and she takes on a gentle mom-like tone to say that she agrees with me, and that she wants to help me get back on track. she says that it has been a concern for her too, and that she was actually planning to have to have a conversation with me today about it. they hired me to be a manager, to be creative, to take initiative, and they haven't seen much of that yet since i have been here. when i said "i want to do that, and i know i CAN do it". she replied, kindly, that she knows i can do it too.

so i think it helped that i went to her with contrition and a plan. i told her i had made a doctors appointment for my sleeplessness, and am also looking for a therapist. she seemed pleased to hear it. but i have felt like a puppy with a tail between her legs all day. like i don't want to raise my voice above a whisper. i worked through lunch, i have created a huge to-do list. i am talking with anyone and everyone who will listen about ideas i have had, to try to get some feedback so i can have something to present at our staff meeting next week.

but i feel uncreative, unfocused, and pretty ambivalent about this stuff. i want to do this well. i want to be good at this job. it is not a hard job, and i like doing it. and i don't usually even "feel" bad, sad, or depressed...but obviously something like doom is going on.

pretty sure even the optimism experiment won't be much help at this point. time for some professional intervention....