marching bands of manhatten

sorrow drips into your heart
through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks
and there is comfort in the sound

and while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown

somewhere in the last couple of weeks grief has been sneaking up on me. in quiet searing sadness, in quick wind-whipped blasts, in a slow cold drip.

i'm not even sure that i was the first one who recognized it. it may have been hooooney. it may have been roommate. yale is on the lookout for it like a bloodhound, almost constantly sniffing around me for glimmers of it.

probably it has something to do with the starts of all these "wedding" conversations. they are happy. they are exciting. they are gilt with an unspoken gaping wound of the absense of my mom. daydreams of talking about engagement rings with her, going dress shopping like we did for my sister, sitting with her to talk about ideas and flowers. of wishing my dad could give me away. thin slices of pain like paper cuts across my arms.

and anger. i want to be HAPPY, damn it! and i am happy. that's the problem. i am happy and excited about moving into a new chapter of my life, about a future like i never even imagined. and being happy makes me sad. like it's too soon to be happy. like i have barely bumped into the tip of the iceberg of mourning, and it feels dizzying to be happy at the same time.

add Yale into this eddying swirl and i start to stagger.

i honestly believe that the Lord brought him into my life at exactly this time of my life for a reason. and i am sincerely and humbly thankful and joyful for his loving and gentle nudges to be allowed into the painful and dark places. but seriously. it is a lot. it is overwhelming.

hooooney and roommate remind me that Yale can be part of the healing. that bringing him into the pain and the dark can be part of what Jesus has planned to stitch my heart back together. i don't disagree with them, i just feel at a loss of how to do it. and i haven't even really let myself be alone in the sadness, so how can i bring someone into it with me? someone who never met mom, didn't know what it was like to watch her wince and cry and breathe ragged breaths. didn't know her beautiful voice or beaming grin, or ever taste the dumples or play board games with her. didn't even meet me until after she had gone Home.

what do i do with all this? i'm not afraid to grieve. OK. that's a lie. i am afraid. i'm already doing poorly at work, what will happen when i really start to feel things again? and plus, i don't want to rain sadness down on my happyinlove parade. i do not. that will suck. can't i just ignore it a little longer? focus on happy things? be in love and look at diamond rings and wedding magazines and be girly?

but no.

i'm actually happy and warm at the thought of using mom's engagement ring diamond to make a new ring. most of the time. sometimes it feels a little sad, but happysad.

suck. i am living in happysad. i guess it could be much worse. it could just be sadsad.

i just don't want the sorrow to drown the love....