baby love

i watched a baby make her entrance into the world last night from close range. it was amazing, awesome, beautiful, and not at all what i expected. i have no idea what i expected, actually, but not the melange of feelings i was feeling in the bleary eyed hours of the morning.

mama K had been laboring on and off for a whole week. she was exhausted. we who gathered at her house to be present for the birth set about praying and getting others (via text and email) to lift her and baby B up to the Lord, politely demanding that He give her the nudge to come on out and meet us. and finally, after what seemed like endless hours even to we the companions, baby B was out of the tub and there in K's arms. a whole, perfect, wide-eyed, beautiful little person.

when K first emailed us and invited us to be present at her home birth, i confess that my first reaction was "ummm..... awesome?". i was humbled and thankful that they would include me on the short list of attendants, but terrified and totally anxious about actually watching. the baby. come out.

so i had been psyching myself up for it. and when we got the official "ok, its really time" text yesterday afternoon i tried to rally my energy and my heart to not be afraid. to be excited. strong. present. prayerful.

what i wasn't expecting was how much waiting at home with the laboring mama for her new baby to come into the world looks and sounds and feels so much like waiting at home with a mom who is about to exit the world. hushed voices, low lights, painful moans. and the helplessness. the waiting. the prayers.

as i was typing that, i felt like i was being macbre and i should delete it. but no. both birth and death are joyful expectations, and both glorify God. and there's no getting around the fact that that's what i was thinking about in the early part of the night.

and i thought about how much our little family of friends has been through together. i looked around the room and saw the faces of people who kept vigil with me and my family when mom was on her way Home. these Beloved who drew up close together again over the past week to keep vigil with K and pray and wait and serve and welcome baby B as soon as she was ready to join us. the overwhelm of the kind of love. the unity. unswerving and unbreakable.

Roommate told me that nurses and caregivers who are gifted in births and maternal care and neo-natal stuff are often also drawn to and gifted in the care for the dying and their families. passages. bookends. the meaning of Life.

as i gingerly held baby B in my arms and looked down at her perfect face and toes and fingernails, i felt a surge of heart-racing love for this newest member of our family. and for her momma K and her daddy P, and their kiddos, and all the Beloved who prayed for her.

i didn't necessarily think about wanting my own baby (remembering that K was in labor for, like, a week helped keep that urge to a tiny pulse). but i did wonder for a minute what it was like for my mom to give birth. to hold me and each of my siblings for the first time. what was dad like? was it hard for her? was she scared? did she have people around her? i wonder.

wow. i saw a baby be born! i'm still sort of realizing that that really happened. it was awesome in the truest sense. full of awe and wonder. and after all those hours (and days), there is a perfect tiny person snoozing peacefully in the burbs next to her momma.

a beautiful way to spend a friday night.