patience

so i've been thinking about the optimism experiment again, and happiness and joy and the practical and impractical things that "make me happy" or "suck every drop of possible happiness right down the drain".

lately, work has been one giant cosmic joy-suck. but then on a day like today, when the clouds part and things go well and pleasantly with my boss and there is even a glimmer of recognition that i actually know what i'm doing - maybe better than she does - other things seem to creep up on my joy and weigh me down. stupid things like feeling a big sick coming on, with 4 days to go before the marathon. and the fact that i'm feeling fat, and my grey roots are showing, and i wish i had more vacation time and that a box of money would show up on my doorstep. and that i could just be HAPPY and JOYFUL.

just a little reminder that real joy has nothing, nada, zip, to do with circumstances. with "good days" or "bad days" or sunny or rainy or happy boss or disappointed boss or anything else.

i had been thinking for a while that "if only" my job stuff would smooth out, then i would be free to be happy and joyful and a certainly obnoxious whirlwind of crazyinlove. but i just don't think it works that way. it's not like you can just clear a path for happiness and shove work into the closet or swiffer the dust off of all your grief and have it out there and done with it and then - THEN - all will be well with the world. for like 4 seconds.

sigh.

i don't feel depressed, but sometimes i start to feel like i'm trudging swampily through the day.

maybe it's just the sickishness. the nerves of the marathon encroaching early. vanity and impatience and the grabbiness of wanting to feel rested and calm and awesome, even if just for a day or so.