auld lang syne

i had grand schemes for new years eve this year. grand schemes that were thwarted by my stubbornness and unwillingness to budge when Yale voiced his desire to do something other than what i had inked into my planner about a month ago. i was excited to get a little dressed up, to celebrate the end of a long, crazy, miraculous, sorrowful, joyful year and to welcome in 2010 and all the happy hopefulness that it brings with it.

anyway, i had a plan. yale had a different one. what started out as a discussion this morning turned ugly when i brought my best selfish, childish brat act to bear upon the decision making, and now i sit alone in a silent apartment, instead of kissing my fiance at midnight. which was the only thing i really wanted to do tonight. i feel so crappy about everything, in fact, that i actually feel sick. like, flat-sprite-drinking, bland baked potato-eating, possibly taking a long hot bath-disgusting.

my married friends have told me from the beginning that a marriage relationship is a mirror of our own brokenness and a bright flashing neon sign pointing us back to our incredible need for God's grace.

yale and i don't fight or disagree very often, but i'm pretty sure that each time we have it has been because i have been a ridiculous brat. ok, maybe one time he was being the brat. but it's usually me. why? how? how could i love someone so much and still hurt him so stupidly?

and now i'm here to sit in my grossness. to pray and read and write and hope that he will call me at some point and we can start the new year with love and forgiveness. part of me felt like i shouldn't blog about such personal details, but then it wouldn't be a very honest blog if i only wrote about how awesome he is, how in love i am, how much i love him and how great it is to be engaged.... it is awesome. and i do love him. a lot. but i screwed it up big time tonight, and that's real as well. it ain't all puppies and rainbows, this relationship business.

i was reluctant to try to write a "recap 2009", but seriously, this has been one of the most incredible, joyful, terrible, sad, happy, confident, dismal, eventful years of my life. eventful for sure. strike that - it is hand down THE MOST eventful year of my life.

i rang in the new year last year with some nearest and dearest at a dinner party at my old apartment. the sparklers didn't seem to disturb the smoke detectors, and it was a lovely night.

in february, i went on a cruise with T, which would have been awesome if i had not gotten so seasick i prayed that i would be eaten by a shark to put my out of my misery.

in march i got to celebrate mom's 59th birthday with her and my siblings. i also registered for the marathon and started training.

april was a blur.

mom went Home to be with Jesus and dad on may 19th.

most of june and july, also a blur, except that i started emailing with this lovely adorable boy that i call Yale for the purposes of this blog...

in august i had the shark week party, yale began to meet my friends, and i realized that i was falling for this one very very hard. and i hoped that he was feeling the same way.

in september, we started talking about getting married. marathon training heated up into brutally long runs, and my running partner AA and i became even faster friends.

october - trip to DC with yale, i ran 26.2 miles through chicago the next weekend, the week after that we had "the conversation" about getting engaged. i saw a baby come into the world in october, and was struggling to keep my head in the game at work without succumbing to the despair of a very difficult boss situation...

november - i'm sure a lot of important and interesting things happened in november. here's what i remember: the dread of preparing to go home for thanksgiving for our first major holiday without mom, the looming angst over cleaning out her house and getting it ready to go on the market, and then, like fireworks and magic Yale asked me to marry him and i said yes. and our friends threw us a party, and i was so happy my face hurt from smiling.

in december i frantically wrapped up loose ends for a month out of the office, and then lead a habitat for humanity global village trip to portugal. yale came on the team, and it was a glorious couple of weeks. it was awesome to serve with him and to be in such a beautiful place. we celebrated christmas together, and we've spent almost 20 straight days together, and i was excited to spend tonight with him as well.

but that brings us up to the present, and i'm just blogging away on new year's eve. he hasn't called me back yet, so i guess i'll read some crappy fiction and go to bed early.

it's gonna be a happy new year.

no, really, it will.