new year's day (or, Amazing Grace)

have i used that song title before as a blog title? i don't know. i don't really care....

in any case, today deserves it's own post.

happy to report that the gloom and blick of last night has been worked through, and Yale is on his way over here so we can go to Crate and Barrel and start registering for stuff for our wedding.

and i'm struck by how intensly and fully forgiven i feel, how loved and how much Grace has poured down on me over the past 36 hours or so. i talked with Yale a little last night before going to bed (before midnight)... there was still anguish in his voice, i was a blubbering idiot. i sobbed myself to sleep, still more interested in wallowing and self-flaggelation than in feeling the Lord's forgiveness or waking up hopeful.

but i woke up early and spent a couple of hours reading the Bible and reading more about what it means to love. the examples of Jesus, the models for marriage, and some other stuff i had been meaning to look up. i realized how little time and thought i had given to spending time with the Lord preparing my heart for a marriage relationship. particularly compared to how much time i have spent reading wedding magazines and scouring blogs. it is good to feel a towel-whip sting in the ass every once in a while, especially when we start to veer off track.

we talked this afternoon, and i felt a wave of forgiveness, understanding, and grace fill in the gap between us, and i cried in thankfulness. and now he's on his way over.

i'm still reeling a bit from how badly i behaved yesterday. but at least the new year is getting a fresh start and a big gulp of grace.