white wedding

soooooooooo


i bought my wedding dress last night! for under $200!

and also, my grandpa died yesterday.

where to start?

my brother called my sister first last night, and she told him not to tell me yet and let me enjoy dress shopping, and that he could call me later. which he did. and i confess to you all that i felt more excited about the buying of the dress than i felt sad about the dying of my grandpa.

i grew up with my grandma and grandpa living next door to us. out in the boonies, "next door" means "a hike through the woods or a brisk walk down the gravel driveway", but they were the closest thing we ever had to neighbors for most of my life. when we went to clean out mom's house last weekend, i got to read a couple of entries in the random scattered notebooks in which she kept diary-like entries. when we were all young, she wrote more than a couple of notes about how difficult it was to have them so close by. that they wanted to have too much say in the workings and doings of our family. when dad was sick, they took turns sitting with him at our house since he couldn't be alone. they watched TV with him, or read to him. it did take a lot of burden off of my mom, but i imagine there was still some gnashing of teeth.

when dad died, mom had the house to herself. until grandma and grandpa's chimney caught fire and burned their house down. then they moved IN with mom for almost a year while they rebuilt their house. and she cared for them, and cooked and cleaned up after them until they moved back into their own place.

eventually my uncle hired a full time care giver to live with them in that new house, and everything seemed to be going as well as could be expected. grandma can sit delightedly for hours looking at jigsaw puzzle pieces and arranging generic oreo cookies into rows on the kitchen table, after she has eaten the white filling out of them. grandpa mostly slept.

and then yesterday he stopped breathing while he slept.

i have no idea what happens next. it's up to my uncle, and frankly, i'm a bit concerned for HIS health and wellbeing. there's really only so much stress and grief one person can take before they (or their ventricles) can't take any more. i imagine maybe grandma will go to a nursing home, and they'll sell the property and all the land.

and you know that i will be totally serious and totally terrible and admit to you that my second thought after "my poor uncle and grandma" was "but if they sell the property, how can i have my wedding at home? we need all that space..."

yes, yes

i am a terrible person.

but really. i don't have it in me to be terribly sad for my grandpa. he lived a long, full life. and up until that last 2 or 3 years, he had been totally healthy, active, sharp and participatory. heading Home to Jesus while taking a nap is not exactly a bad way to go, if you ask me.

but if there's one thing that i've learned about death (and i feel like a bit of an expert on the subject), it's that it is A LOT OF WORK for the family of the person who dies. so now i have to figure out what i can do to help, and to pray that my heart would get drained of all the selfishness that wants bubble up to the top of my brain.

possibly i am reacting a bit TOO calmly about this. my siblings are certainly very upset. i'm just kind of "well, he was old. and i'm glad he didn't suffer. and where will we park 60 cars if not on their yard???"

ugh.