brand new day

i have had a lot of reasons to be joyful, thankful, overwhelmed, and emotional over the past several months. lots of reasons to smile, to feel the warm fuzzies. to say prayers of thanks and gratitude.

mostly those have all been for me. which is great, but it is an extra special awesomeness to feel those things on behalf of somone that you love.

i felt a wobbly-kneed surge of THANKS and YAY this weekend while standing in a row of gold-dressed attendants next to my dear JG and she cried elegantly through her vows to our friend AB. it was a crazy beautiful day, and she was even more stunning than her daily classic glam. i felt a whoop of joy bubbling up inside me, and i barely managed to hold it in long enough to compose myself and tell her, at normal volume, that i was overcome with happiness for her. and thankfulness that i get to be standing beside her now that she is with The One after all these years of waiting for him to appear. surreal, dazzling, squinty-eyed sparkling amazing.

it was amazing.
and i was thrilled.
a brand new day, a new season, a calm and wonderment and buckets and buckets of love.

unselfish version.

selfish version:

i was a mess.
it is weird to go to a wedding when you are engaged. my brain was working overtime to process, to feel all the feelings at once. i felt like a shaken can of diet coke, fizz and mess in an impossible compression. so as soon as Yale and i were in the car, i lost it. the top got popped, and everything came spewing out in every direction. mostly a result of how incredibly sweet, helpful, thankful, emotional, and involved JG's parents were through the whole thing. and AB's parents, for that matter. my mind wandered to "what can Yale and i do instead of a unity candle?" and "who gives ME to be married to this man?" and "what besides the classic "rose on the church alter" can we do to remember mom and dad?" and "why the F#$@ do my parents not get to be at my wedding? am i supposed to be OK with this? am i supposed to be calm and accepting about it? because i am not. not OK."

and i questioned our decision to have the wedding at the house. i became terrified that that was too morbid, that i'd cry through the whole day, that people would feel weird about celebrating a wedding at the empty house of my dead parents. whoa. that was a bit extreme to type. sorry. that's what came out when my fingers started flying. but it is true. that is what it is.

Yale and Roommate helped me talk and vent and process. i felt better after i had a meltdown. and i know that i have my City Family to help with some of those parent things. and my brother will give me away.

and i've decided on this:

when the pastor asks "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" i want all my crazy people to stand up and say "We DO!". because it takes a village to marry this Jesusfish.

at the end of the weekend, Yale and i went to visit my friend Rox and her fam and newest little baby while they are home on a short break from their work in Africa. Rox has been my friend for a LONG time, and she knew both my parents. she inspired small meltdown #2 by telling Yale as we were about to leave that she knows that my model for a Christ-centered marriage is my parents' incredible 30 years together. and that she knows that for me to even consider marrying him, he must be pretty awesome because my standards are, understandably, really really high. and that she knows that when i take my wedding vows i'm going to mean it, and that the Lord will bring us closer to each other and closer to Him.

and when i was done crying about that, and feeling thankful and joyful and sad all over again, Yale and i went to crate and barrel and registered for gifts. which is a whole 'nother story. but suffice to say, it was a salty and sweet weekend, and my love was a rock star with my mercurial mood swings, and i love him a superlot.

and it's a new day today, and one day closer to my wedding.

woot!