r-e-s-p-e-c-t

sometimes my work life feels a bit like what i have read it is like to live with an alcoholic parent. you never really know who what you are going to encounter on any given day: happy dad, angry dad, supportive dad, or crazy nut case illogical dad.

that is obviously totally stressful. and for most of the 1 year, 4 months, and 9 days that i have worked here, i have felt like a nervous kid around my boss. she is wholly unpredictable, but predictably tense.

anyway.

we had the big show-down of an annual review in november, and it went about as well as it could. she and i sort of mutually agreed to start fresh in the new year, and to move forward optimistically. optimism for her looks like holding on to her belief that i DO know what i am doing and CAN do my job well. optimism for me has looked like holding out hope that i can stay in this job long enough to find a new one before i go completely bonkers.

fast forward to the past two weeks.

last week i was so strung out, discouraged, stressed, and anxious that i started scouring the job postings on all of my favorite search engines and college job boards. i counted months in my head between now and when Yale may realistically get a job and tried to calculate how much i could afford to work for a lower paying gig. i daydreamed of working in a florist shop and writing essays and short stories and fantasized about kneading a book idea out of my tired brain.

and then this week. this long ridiculous week. early mornings, late nights, big events, small events, so much busy work that my desk is a choppy white sea of paper stacks. post-its as far as the eye can see. exhausted and frantic, but productive.

and somewhere out of the clutter and panic has emerged a strange and fragile new version of boss: the encouraging, praising, supportive, "in my corner" boss. she has spoken to me with a smile on her face. she has praised my good ideas and good work in front of not one but 2 VPs. she has talked with me about helping me prioritize my workload so i do not get burned out.

before i get too comfortable basking in the glow of her newfound PMA, i listened to the quiet whisper of my old cynic self reminding me that she is probably just worried that if i get too overwhelmed i will just jump ship, and she doesn't want to have to farm out my pile of work. but i am not a cynic anymore: i am an optimist! (see "optimism experiment") so i must choose to go with another possible explanation: i am awesome and doing a great job and she has come to the point where she has to admit it. and that i am completely swamped, and putting in long hours, and i don't have an assistant, and everything is still clicking along nicely.

so there. now i just have to make sure the optimism experiment still holds up when things are going crappily. because i know they will go back eventually. BLAST. no. they will not inevitably turn back to crap. everything may be on an upswing! yes! it's all getting better from here.

at least i got a glimmer of respect, and some acknowledgement for how hard i have been working to turn things around. and i'll take it. thankfully.