losing my religion

i know that sometimes we all go through a sort of spiritual slump. laziness, busyness, relative calm, sometimes even confidence and peace can nudge you over into the quiet day-to-day of basic 'asking prayers' and church going as the mainstay of your faith life.

the fact is that the last couple of years of pain, desperation, sorrow, and secret sneaky joy were years of my life that i felt the closest to the Lord. the most intimate. the most "real". like He and i are dear friends, in the thick of it together, slogging it out hand in hand. a kind of closeness that i didn't DO anything to create. didn't read for it, pray for it, or even look for it actively. it was just there. and i clung to it like a raincoat clutched around my neck in a monsoon. even though sometimes i was screaming at God. shaking my fists at the sky. or just sitting emptily in a dark corner, not praying, not seeking Him, just raw and flayed and bleeding pain. and i still knew He was there.

i know He is with me now, too. but in a calmer and quieter way. i'm not choking out begging prayers. i'm not desperate. i'm pretty happy. content. confident. (and anxious, scared, overwhelmed).

but its not the same.

and i want to feel that closeness again, without the monsoon. laziness, i guess, may be the culprit. i could read, pray, meditate, talk, study, serve, and scramble excitedly into God's lap like an eager child. i could do that. i want to. there are so many incredible things going on! i want to pour out my thankfulness to Him.

working through this season of spiritual nonchalance is particularly urgent in my current circumstances because Yale is in a season of crazy growth and hunger and he is tripping over himself to talk with me about his faith, his prayers, his reading, his study. and he is feeling a bit disappointed that i am not as excited about all of this as he is. that i don't want to talk with him into the wee small hours about all the things he is reading and learning. that i am not reading what he is reading or chewing what he is ruminating. that it exhausts me, sometimes, to try to keep up.

it is good, i know, and i know that he and i will learn from each other. he is already nudging me to dig in and open myself up to new growth. we're talking about a lot of good things. important things. but our beliefs and approach do not match 100%, so it can feel draining to me rather than energizing. it makes me feel disappointed in myself. he is trying to encourage, but i feel heavy and spent.

i turned 32 two days ago. i wanted to write a whole post about how it felt to have an 'average person' birthday. the vast majority of the past 31 birthdays have been like a personal holiday. i big deal. a celebration. traditions, big to-dos, lunches with mom, cadbury creme eggs and bundt cakes and parties and friends and drinks and self indulgence. and this year i kind of just let it slide with a nod of acknowledgement with some friends at a pub on saturday and some pizza and cake with Yale on the actual day. that sounds like what most people usually do, and how they feel on their birthdays. or at least, that's what i imagine. 32 years old. there could be a lot to say about that.

but i don't have the mental energy to write a whole post about my birthday. and i don't want to whine. the Lord is pouring out buckets of blessings on my head, and i am sitting in the puddle. not sure what i will need for a spark of action.

my vote is more sleep. rest. recharging. with just enough spark to get my life and my faith life back to a full boil instead of this pan-scortching simmer. there is too much beauty, too much joy, too much adventure and newness and life in my life to sit angstily and wring my hands. but something has got to give. or my brain might implode.