oh what mess
what a mess i am!
it is a tangly thing, this trying to share my gross and messy heart with a boy.
i have gotten really pretty good at managing my stress in healthy and productive ways. just ask my roommate! she saw me pummel some couch cushions with clentched fists and muffled screams last night, AFTER i dragged her out into the unseasonably balmy evening for a quick walk to the lake in an effort to relax my constricting blood vessels.
those tactics were necessary because i have been too busy and frantic to go for a run since tuesday, and the low simmer of general stress boiled over into thinly bound fury last night.
and even though i thought it was a GOOD idea to try to talk with Yale about all these frustrations, sadnesses, angers and fears, it turned out to be a disaster. DIZ-ASSTER.
the anger and frustration were not originally directed at him. they were just the general compounded stresses of typical wedding/work/friends/time/tired/annoyance/stupid every day stuff. but the convo quickly turned into a pep talk and a litany of suggestions for improvement. and so, of course, i sat seething long enough to get off the phone in a semi-pleasant manner and then tore into the living room and beat the living snot out of the sofa.
perfectly reasonable thing to do, no?
anyway, i'm trying to figure something out.
how do i learn to bring Yale into my emotional life in a real way, while at the same time taking pains to go to Jesus first? to let Yale be my soft place to land, while realizing that he cannot be or do everything that i need him to be and do? to talk with him about what i DO need when i am wigging out (i.e. not a "here's what you should do" play-by-play). how do i keep trying to connect with him and be close to him while my impulse is to scrap that idea entirely and just go to God instead and cut the middle man. how do i go to God first, AND Yale.
now, i am rational enough to realize that bottling up my honest day-to-day and keeping that tucked away from my fiance/husband is a sure road to misery. but how do i figure out how to talk with him about all this stuff gently and patiently when i have little gentleness and patience left to spare? when i am wigging out? what can i really expect of him? this person who seems so excited about me on most days and so wide-eyed terrified of me when i'm honest with my overwhelm?
you married peeps are probably laughing at me right now. that's ok. for all my words and my self-assumed EQ, i am turning out to be quite a slow study on how to really talk to this boy that i love.
it is a new day. a beautiful day, and Good Friday to boot.
thank God for His mercy. for compassions that never fail.
1 comment:
The "BOY" you love... not a girlfriend. They just don't process the same as a girl would - which is good but sometimes incredibly annoying too. Hubbies seem to like to fix things. It gets easier and you'll both figure it out. Meant to text you yesterday but just never got around to it. This is our last year on our moratorium of Maundy Thursday tradition. Next year service and dinner, definitely!
Post a Comment