happiness

Yale and i sat shoulder to shoulder on the only uncluttered cushion of our oppressively humid, moth-plagued, half-unpacked apartment and passed a pint of "neopolitan dynamite" (cherry garcia and chocolate fudge brownie) between us while we heaved defeated sighs in unison. ben & jerry's and gifted shiraz was our dinner. parting the red sea of boxes, tissue paper, moth carcasses, and stacks upon stacks of books was our task.

the trite "the honeymoon is over" refrain sounded tinny in my head as i surveyed the tetris-style stacking we had done to clear enough floor space to lay out all the pieces of our spanking new ikea furniture and still have room to pound tiny wooden pegs into table legs and book case slats. there was some grumbling. there were some strained conversations about whose beloved mixing bowls or mugs or DVDs would be kept and whose would go into storage or be donated. there were giggles, too, and sweet and silly reminders that "at least it is OUR filthy little apartment!" shared around with half-smiles.

Roommate called and offered to come over and help. and her impartial, organized, sensible self cheerily entered our rubbishy nest and set to work. i marveled at how easily she sorted and broke down boxes, moved and labeled items for storage, recycling, trash, and donate, and generally kept the mood light and focused. it was a huge blessing. (HUGE! hear that, Roommate?). we could go to sleep with some semblance of an apartment taking shape. i slept well for the first night since we've been back. think feng shui is crap? try living in filth vs. living in the beginning of some order and then get back to me.

it is SO much easier to leap frantically into the narrow galley kitchen to squash the moth larvae happily inching its way across the drywall when there are no brita filters or cookware boxes strewn in your path. (we came home to some sort of early summer moth infestation and are determined to ELIMINATE them before they can reproduce again. we are gaining on them. they will not defeat us).

some of you have asked "how is married life"? this is what i can say about it so far: i feel like part of a new little team, united in the midst of moths and unlivable messy apartments, ikea furniture instructions, and "we don't have any food. let's eat ice cream for dinner" indulgences. it is like that with a roommate. it can be like that with friends and siblings, and i have been blessed with many wonderful people who i consider to be "on my team". but besides the fact that i get to kiss Yale and flop exhaustedly into bed with him at night, there is still something completely different, completely awesome, and pretty much indescribable about being married. a different kind of happy. a different kind of life.

for one thing, i had lived most of my adult life consoling myself with things like "i might be single, but at least i can eat ice cream sandwiches for breakfast and no one will judge me." and there i was, sitting next to Yale eating ice cream for dinner. who knew? that is a sort of powerful kind of happy. i am MYSELF, and he LOVES ME. not judging, SHARING. crazy. that is cool. the Lord is chipping away at both of our knee-jerk expectations of judgement and shame, and it is pretty awesome to see that kind of work close-up.

for another thing, being married points out in big bright neon letters that my life is not my own. i almost wrote "my life is no longer my own", but the whole point of what i actually want to try to say is that marriage, as a picture of Jesus's relationship to his people, reminds me with a big hug of assurance that my life was never my own to begin with. my actions, attitudes, words, love, patience, snarkiness - those things matter. not just to me. not just to the microsphere of my selfish little universe. my time, money, space, personal interests, my heart. not my own.

at that is actually kind of awesome.

so maybe the first two weeks of being married have not exactly been some fantastical blissed-out party of passion and starry eyed perfection. but they have been fun. and much truer and happier and funnier than i imagined in those wistful day dreams i had about being married.

full st. lucia honeymoon report coming soon - as soon as i can find my camera usb cord to upload the photos. trust me. that story needs photos.