green eyes

while i hate to tarnish a dear 'coldplay' love song for this post title, it seems like a fitting start to some pondering about envy.

there is always something new to covet.

i guess in 'churchspeak' it would be idolatry. i am good at it. for years i wrestled with the stark truth that i had turned love and marriage into an idol - it consumed more of my heart than loving or serving God. the Lord patiently and passionately rode it out with me; sometimes prying my grip gently, sometimes more dramatically. imagine the scene in "The Little Mermaid" when king triton zaps all of ariel's dearly loved trinkets. imagine that replayed over and over and over again in my stubborn life.

make no mistake - i'm the last person who would claim that i had some sort of spiritual epiphany about about my marriage idol, got straight with God, and then met Yale and fell in love and got married. if i had any respite from my choke-hold of marriage worship, i guess it was just during that year when i was more worried about mom dying than i was about being single. i have no idea how the timing of stuff works out. and obviously i am NOT "over" my idolatry. there is always something.

and as of today, i am about 4 days in to a sickening life-envy binge.

i am married! hooray!

now i want the house.

a real house, with a yard. and more than one bedroom. and a garden. and rooms (plural!). i don't need or want a big house. just a house. not in the city. someplace we could have a good sized dog. a yard for her to play in. a realistic scenario for possible babies. did i say babies? i meant puppies. yeah. that's it. puppies.

i'm sure this has something to do with the fact that 4 weeks into our new apartment and we are still living with piles, crammed closets, and yucky carpeting that is not ours to remove. i'm sure it has something to do with the beautiful chocolate labs that lives a few blocks away. it has a lot to do with realizing that by the end of the summer, mom's house will be on the market, and i will have no country home to go to anymore. and angus will need a new home. and there will be no more rolling hills or forests or fields for me to retreat to. it has something to do with babysitting 3 kiddos at a lovely suburban house with a yard and a garage and cabinets that don't have anything in them. and the realization that that idea, long suppressed to leave breathing room for the reality that i was single, broke, and living in the city, may be something that i actually DO want. even if i am a tiny bit loathe to admit it.

it's a question of contentment, though, isn't it? it's not really about the house. there will always be something. it's maybe a little bit about giving up the family house. giving up the vividness of those memories. the smell of the alfalfa field. the toads hopping around the garden. the cow pasture next door. the big slobbery dog who we adore. all that that yard and home contained and kept safe for us. we have to unload it, and pass it on.

the nomadic life of a single in the city. it is getting a little old. i've moved 7 times in 9 years. my parents lived for almost 30 years in the same house. i want that. maybe a little too much these days.