you're gonna miss me, baby

for the first time in, oh, about 5 years or so, i HAVE NOTHING TO DO.

no grad school, no major church commitments, no mom to care for, no board of directors member duties, no marathon to train for, no boyfriend hunting to engage in, no wedding to plan.

nothing.

it is grossing me out.

i've heard that some people experience a pretty significant let-down after their wedding. not a disappointment in their marriage or their spouse or their relationship, just an achey twitch for purpose. 6 months of planning the biggest party you have ever thrown can leave a big hole in your concept of "busy" once the cupcakes have all been eaten and the friends have been thanked (ok, so i haven't actually started on the thank-you notes. i will add that to my list of things to DO).

but since about 65-75% of my creative and emotional energy over the past couple of years has been poured into roughly 3 buckets (mom, finding a boy, planning a wedding), i have a whole pile of energies that are dismally out of work now that those buckets are full. this should be a great opportunity, right? to dive back in to the things that make me feel alive. to make a difference for things that keep me up at night. who knew i would pine for sleepless nights over social injustice? but i do. i miss them. i had set aside a bunch of my bleedingheart passions for the other things that creep into one's life and hunker down roots. grad school, family, grief, boyfriends-turned-husbands, wedding planning, apartment setting-up, job surviving. nothing wrong with that. but now that the dust is settled, i am angsty and feeling a bit lost.

this lovely long weekend could have been the perfect time to start something new. but instead of making plans i paced twitchily in the too-small apartment, trying not to disturb Yale at his work at the table and trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself. i had had a burst of creative energy on thursday and friday that i had hoped i could harness and turn into something. but instead it just simmered.

and so, i turn back to the long-forgotten Optimism Experiment for some help. time for some new cognitive-behavioral therapy, i think. time for a new vision.

Optimism Experiment 2010 - Becoming My Whole Self. needs a label, but you get the idea. turns out, optimism isn't as hard as i thought it would be (ha ha), and getting married isn't the end-all-be-all of my existence (shock! gasp!), and compartmentalizing will only get you so far (duh!). it turns out that a new sense of purpose could be just around the corner.

since my next post will be my 200th post, maybe i will reveal an outline of my 2010 plan. i am, of course, assuming that at least one of you want to read about this. since now that i have no wedding stuff or boy drama, i'm afraid my blog may crash and burn for lack of content. so i had better get my butt in gear and come up with something interesting. i'm sure Yale and i will yield some good material on our own, but in the mean time, looks like a you're stuck with me and my psychobabble. maybe i'll include some recipes or special offers or give-aways or something to try to keep my readers reading. suggestions welcome!