love and happiness

200th post! Hoorah!

200 posts. Wow. That feels like a lot. I still have twitchings to change/start a whole new blog, but for now, 200 is a happy milestone. Who knew when I first posted this post, almost exactly 2 years ago (crazy!) that just 199 posts later, I would be musing about the trials and tribulations of remaking my self concept as a married woman?

Jesus is funny.

Well, 200 posts later and the scenery has changed quite a bit. The scenery, my life, my heart, my everything. And yet. Not.

As I pondered this whole New Life Plan thing, I realized that some things are achingly, ridiculously the same. I still pine for a "room of my own" (more about that to come). I still have a desperate little voice in my heart begging for a painterly life. Creating and writing and sewing and talking and bouquet-tying and mess-making. At least a bigger chunk of my life. I still yearn for EPIC. Throwing myself into the pain of the world and breathing hope, comfort, compassion, peace. I still wonder what all these ebbing and surging passions are meant to do. For the poor, the tired, the lonely, the sick, the suffering. I have packed myself in quite nicely away from them but allow myself occasional field trips into their world. Then I come back and watch TV and bemoan my un-hip wardrobe and too-small apartment.

Oh, and even though that imagery of Jesus from my very first post seems delightfully prophetic and awesome, I actually feel like I miss Jesus the way one misses an old friend. That should tell me something about what needs to be re-ordered in my life. It can feel quite "easy" to snuggle in close to The Lord when things are sucky and hard. The haven in the storm. The place to flop exhaustedly and thankfully in the swirl of pain. I really do feel like I have had seasons of incredible intimacy with Jesus over the past couple of years. That he has been part of my every day in a beautiful, warm, present sort of way. When life became busy with good things, with fullness and happiness and love, somewhere I feel like have neglected Jesus like I began to neglect my other friends. They will understand! I'm planning a wedding. And I know that he does. But seriously. That excuse is a lousy one, and not even one I want to make any more.

So What?

Well, in a way quite similar to the way my three BELIEVE statements of Sept. 2008 sort of appeared to my brain out of no where, some new words and ideas have been jotted down on the notepad in my heart over the week since my last post. I truly feel that making those BELIEVE statements my mantra for almost two whole years has significantly changed my heart. The Lord is still working on me, on all of those things, but man, I can tell the difference.

Here is what I have scribbled as the header for my Attitude Adjustment (hey, that's really what it boils down to, isn't it?):

Live, every day
with JOY
with GRATITUDE
in ABUNDANCE

Appreciate the BEAUTY all around you
Share God's GRACE
Breathe COMPASSION everywhere

So, to boil it down for refridgerator-magnet cheesiness, it would look something like this:

LIVE, every day:
JOY
GRATITUDE
ABUNDANCE
BEAUTY
GRACE
COMPASSION

Sure, there are specific things I want to do. Like volunteer for the American Cancer Society, get more serious about my writing, start scheming for a "room of my own", become the Best Wife I Can Be, use my money better, get back on the soap box for things that matter to me and to God. Ultimately, though, I realized while trying to sketch out a plan of action that this is, as usual, a heart problem. An attitude problem. One of selfishness, laziness, comfort-seeking, and brattiness.

Here is one practical thing I will promise: I'm not going to be an e.e. cummings poser anymore. No more all lower case typing. Simple ways to combat Laziness Idea #1 - take the millisecond of thought required to hit "shift" and capitalize your damn letters.

I'll keep you posted on my progress regarding the other stuff. Specifically, how I carve out physical, emotional, and spiritual space (a room of my own) in this new arrangement of wedded bliss. We are having a lot of fun. But neither of us are accustomed to the close quarters.

I'm sure that will make for some amusing blogging!