since you've been gone

My body aches from too many sleepless nights. Nothing really but stress to blame - pup sleeps through the night well enough, when he is not wrangling the sheet from me to build a nest in the middle of the bed.

Yale's whirl-wind weekend in Chicago flew by, of course, but I expected it to.

I am exhausted. Sleeping poorly. Having strange dreams that involve eating giant coffee cakes with my hands when T and I had set out to make home-made shampoo. You know, totally normal dream stuff. Stiff and grouchy during the day.

I've never lived alone before. I have never had an apartment all to myself. Never once. And yes, AugDog does keep my company. And I've been busy. I'm not bored, exactly. I just have too much time on my hands to think.

And what have I been thinking about?

Mom. I've been thinking about mom, and about how she lived alone for 8 years after dad died. How she was sick, in pain, lonely, and tired for 8 long years. And I have been kicking myself for not being with her more often in those many many long months. Even before she got sick. She had her pets as well, and lots of friends, and family. And, like me, I don't think she was really bored per se. But she was alone. For the first time in 51 years. And I have been living alone for just a hand full of days, with weekend respite, and I already hate it. And I already start to worry about what it would be like if something happened to Yale.

I tend to get a bit melancholy when I have too much time to myself.

So AugDog and I watched a silly movie that mom loved last night. "The Librarian", if you've never seen it, was a made-for-TNT movie that mom bought on DVD because she liked it so much. I took it from the house the last time we were there. It stars Noah Wylie as a hapless Indiana Jones-like character in search of "The Spear of Destiny". Auggie watched it with more interest than I have noticed for most DVDs that I ask him to watch with me. I guess he prefers hokey action flicks to chick flicks or shark programs.

Yale's mom called me last night after he had left to go back to the quad cities. Yale had made the tiny error of telling her that his phone was about to die, and that he wouldn't charge it until he got back to the Quad Cities. His mother called me to ask me to be sure that he called home when he arrived, "Because he still has a mom and dad who worry about him, even though he's in his 30's". I assured her that I would ask him to do that when he called me. And I also urgently added: "No, I understand. I have a whole team of people who worry about me on my parents' behalf".

Why?

Why did I have to add that? I don't know. I just did. I know she didn't mean any sort of slight or anything by her comment. But somehow I felt compelled to remind her that I had people. I HAVE PEOPLE, DAMMIT, even if I don't have parents.

And then I immediately went and watched one of my mom's favorite movies with my dog and drank almost an entire bottle of champagne. Yale and I had opened it to toast his first day before he left. We only had one glass together, so I, in my funk, drank most of the rest of it.

Maybe that's why I feel like crap today? Slightly hung over and all kinds of angst.

My head hurts and I ate a candy bar for lunch. So much for the whole "time to get my butt in gear and lose some flab" idea. Roommate, if you're reading, it's time to start our new workout regimen. Sorry, I guess I just put you on the spot on the blog. Don't worry. If for some reason we are not in top-notch shape by November, you can totally blame me. I'll be on the couch with the bottle of champagne in one hand and a candy bar in the other. Watching made for TV movies.