help!

I consider myself a fairly independent person. My mother prided herself on the fact that all of her children "know how to take care of themselves, and know how to live as responsible adults". She knew that she and dad had done a good job of encouraging us to take risks, be responsible, and figure out our own solutions. And that they had our backs.

Not to say that I have not come to rely on my brilliant and much-needed support network of friends and family. But the fact remains that I do retain a kernel of pride about being able to do things myself. Things like.... tear out flooded bedroom carpet, make basic repairs, build Ikea furniture, carry allll the grocery bags in from the car in one trip, find my way around in the suburbs, and pretty much fund all my own purchases. I'll ask for help when I need it. But I try very hard not to need it.

So when we first learned that Yale was going to be in Quad Cities 5 days a week, I wasn't particularly concerned that I would find myself in some kind of bind that I couldn't figure out how to take care of myself. OR, that I couldn't call in reinforcements if necessary. There were lots of things that I knew would suck about the arrangement, but I wasn't afraid of being left to my own devices.

But then the weird dreams started. The dreams of finding myself in an emergency, and being alone, and being angry that my husband was not around to help me. Nothing life threatening, just scary and annoying. Like a city-wide evacuation. Or broken down car. Or walking alone at night and realizing that no one would know if I didn't make it back to the apartment. That kind of stuff. I started to realize that somewhere, at least subconsciously, I was building up a feeling that Yale was not going to be there when I needed him. I started to make my little script about how to talk with him about this feeling. Just to be open and honest and communicative.

But yesterday shook things up in a way I definitely didn't expect.

Yale needed ME, and I was not around to help him.

Here I am, around all my friends and family, with literally dozens of people who could come to my aid at any moment. I know my city, I know my way around, I know how and where to get help when I need it. And yet I was the one feeling all helpless-ish and whiney. Yale is way out on the other side of the state, has no real friends there yet, knows only a handful of people, has no idea of where to go or who to call in an emergency. And yesterday, he needed help, and I felt ill that I could not be there for him.

He got a migraine. A debilitating, disorienting, completely devastating migraine. He called me from the student center, unable to see clearly or walk or even know exactly where he was. I did an internet search for cab companies and called one for him to take him home, but he couldn't make his way to the corner where it was supposed to meet him. He just found a bathroom and stayed there, in misery, until he could walk to an info desk where they called a health center shuttle for him. By then the migraine meds were working well enough for him to go home rather than to the health center. But we exchanged about 15 frantic phone calls in the span of 3 hours. Even if I had gotten in my car and headed west, I wouldn't have gotten there for about 4 hours. Not much help.

I guess this doesn't mean that we still shouldn't talk about my feelings of "what if I need him and he isn't here?". But it sure does put a different spin on things. I am not used to being needed in quite this way, either. Maybe someday I will not need such dramatic reminders that it is not all about me and MY needs.