back in the saddle again

I decided to go for a run tonight for about the 3rd time since May. Despite the strange enlightenment of diligent training, the euphoria of amped-up mileage, and a mild addiction to gummy raspberry Shot Blocks, I confess that I have run fewer than 10 times since the marathon. THE MARATHON! I ran 26.2 miles in a row last October. And then I stopped. Running. At all.

For some reason, I decided to go tonight. It was a cooler evening, and I had nothing better to do. Besides, I was feeling inspired after yesterday's brush with death. By "death" of course I mean the spontaneous combustion to which I almost succumbed after the extreme chub-rub of my thighs very nearly ignited my sweaty, jiggling lower body into a flaming BBQ. It was sobering. And uncomfortable. I had to walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I decided that tonight was as good a night as any to get back in the game.

The reflection in the mirror immediately revealed that I was a total fraud. My muffin top scoffed at me. My "2009 Chicago Marathon" running shirt seemed to squint back at my reflection, trying to remember if it recognized me. I lowered my head in shame as I realized that it had been so long since my last running jag that I couldn't even remember if I was wearing the wedgie shorts, or the non-wedgie shorts. (Why do I even still OWN the wedgie shorts?). AuggieDoggie looked at me cock-eyed as I tied my running shoes. "What are those?" he seemed to ask, quizzically. "Are those tie-up shoes? What are they for?". See. Total fraud.

I've devised this clever little check list so that you too can detect "runner fraud" the next time you encounter it. You know, those people who happen to be engaged in the activity of running when you see them, but who are not, in fact, "runners". Snobby as it sounds, there are people who run, and then there are Runners. You don't have to run a marathon to be a runner, and you don't have to run fast. You just have to be serious about it, and go more than, oh, I don't know, once a quarter. Don't feel guilty if it seems like you see runners everywhere you look. Never fear! Many of them are probably fakes. This list is just a handy tool to help you feel better about your own slow pace, your indefinite hiatus, or the tiny voice in your head that berates you for never taking up this ridiculous sport. Here you go, in no particular order:

Signs that that runner who just panted across your path is a total fake

- She is not carrying any water with her, and it's over 80 degrees outside. She may be sweating up a storm, but it's a short run at best.

- Her running shoes are lilywhite and they match her running outfit.

- She is wearing a "running outfit".

- ipod armband. If you are really working up a serious run, those things will peel the skin right off your arm. Well, at least my sausagey arms.

- Slumped shoulders = poor conditioning.

- Jogs in place at stoplights. If she is working really hard, she will need and gladly TAKE the 15 second rest.

- Muffintop. These rarely, if ever, persist on a serious runner. It's one of the main reasons I conceded to keep at this self-flagellation for so long. You could also charitably assume the muffintop in question is that of a serious runner in the making.

Well, anyway, I survived my 2.5ish miles tonight and I feel pretty good. The sky and the lake were crazyassbeautiful. A good reminder for why running is, despite all its idiocy, a truly glorious exercise. If running 2.5 miles is the only thing that keeps me from missing incredibly beautiful sunsets and glassy lake moonlight, then sign me up. It's worth it.