lucky star

Do you believe in "luck" of any kind?  Do you do anything superstitious? 

I know (and I mean KNOW) that "there's no such thing" as good or bad luck, and I also know that superstition is ridiculous and unbiblical.  I don't believe that God jinxes us for doing or failing to do any action, word, or little ritual.  Even as I type that, I am reminded again at how stupid it all is.  Which should be reason enough for me to shake it off completely.  But for some reason, I have not been able to stop the weird, silly, bad form habit of Knock on Wood. 

I must have done it at least 5 times this week at work. 

You know, when everything is going just a bit too well.  You have conditioned yourself to become uneasy when tasks go smoothly.  Especially at work.  You're afraid that if you utter all that wellness out loud, then certainly your good luck streak will come to a screeching halt and everything will fall apart.  And so, when someone asks "Is everything set for tomorrow night's volunteer event?"  You nod cautiously and smile, and reach for the wood veneer trim of your cubicle frame and rap it lightly with your fist.  "Yep!  All set!" (slowly withdraw hand as if everything is just fine, meanwhile your blood pressure begins to rise).

I even tried NOT knocking on wood once this week when I felt compelled to do it.  The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy required to convince myself to put my clenched hand back into my pocket took way too long, and I am sure that my coworker thought I was having some sort of small tremor or something.  I remember telling her how well my meeting with my boss went, and then pausing for a frantic few seconds while I willed myself to leave my hand in my pocket and not hit it on my desk.  She looked at me and asked if I was OK.  "Yes!  Yes, I'm fine!  Sorry, I was just had a little brain malfunction there...."

A brain malfunction.  Yes.  That's exactly what it was.  A superstitious brain malfunction. 

Come on now, I'm a smart enough girl.  I can tell myself that it is nonsense until the cows come home, but that hasn't broken the weird feedback loop that triggers my hand to lurch for the nearest piece of wood or semi-wood in the environment whenever I feel I have just pushed my luck.  If there is really nothing wooden to be found, I have even just punched a piece of paper in desperation while mentally reassuring myself that "it used to be wood".  How sad is that?

So, in the grand tradition of effective CBT, I have decided to work on a replacement for my "knock on wood" impulses.  How about "God is Good".  I can just say that to myself every time I feel my arm whipping towards some paper or particle board or tree trunk.  Sounds like "Knock on Wood" sort of, and has the bonus benefit of reminding me Who is in control.  I already know that it is God and not luck.  I just have to keep convincing my small and fearful heart of that.  Pretty much every day, apparently.