In the Bleak Midwinter

OK, Winter, I am SO over you.

I hear it is supposed to get up to 50degrees on Saturday and melt the icy mess into a muddy one.  Three cheers for mud!  Our regularly scheduled sub-freezing temps will resume on Sunday, so I will refrain from getting too excited. 

Almost time for New Years Day.  I just got a great recap email from a dear friend and work colleague who is deservedly eager to bid Adios to 2010.  I know what it is like to wait giddily for the old year to roll over.  Like watching your odometer click towards a new Thousand.  Her father died suddenly in a tragic accident this summer, and she is relishing the thought of stepping out of 2010 into a fresh new year. 

I SO know what that is like.  Last year I was beside myself to kick 2009 to the curb and get on with 2010.  Savor our wedding, embark upon married life together, get a dog.  I was wringing my hands with glee; on the cusp of a whole year of AWESOME.

We had a kick-ass wedding.  Far and away the best day of my life so far.  Great honeymoon.  We got AugDog, and he continues to delight.  Nobody died.  Nobody got sick.  Hubs has a job for now.  Work is going better for me. 

But there is still that sticky issue of having a weekend marriage.  It sucks.  I never expected to be living alone this year.  I never expected to feel even less rooted as a couple as I did as a single.  Our life is more than a little disjointed these days.  It can also be beautiful, funny, and chock full of possibilities.  And I do believe (thanks to the Optimism Experiment and to the Lord's grace) that our life together will click into gear eventually.  Once we are actually living a together-life.

Hubs and I had a conversation today about his job prospects, his stress level about those prospects, and where he would really like to channel his energies:  his faith life, our relationship, and caring for our friends, family, and world.  On paper it seems like it shouldn't be that impossible to pursue the career for which the Lord has given you talents and passion AND your faith and personal life at the same time.  In practice, it takes more discipline, dedication, and forethought than either of us ever imagined.  It is tough to stay balanced.  It is tough to keep your eye on the prize.  It is tough to know what The Prize is supposed to be. 

Every year I make a list of the 10 things I really want in my life for the coming year.  The list includes practical (a savings account that has at least $XXXX in it), silly-ish (get a dog - CHECK!), health-related (Body Fat Percentage under 22%), goal-oriented (run a 1/2 marathon), and selfish items (including "Get Engaged" in 2009).  The point is to verbalize and "own" your real desires, even if they seem ridiculous or impractical.  I hadn't even met Hubs when I wrote in December of 2008 that I wanted to "Get Engaged" in 2009.  I just knew that I really really wanted it, and I felt like I could say confidently that I felt ready for it.  It wasn't really a goal that I actively worked towards, but I did do things like join eharmony and carefully consider potential boyfriends.  The idea of meeting a future spouse is a lot different from the idea of finding "a boyfriend" or "boys to date".  I didn't want those things.  I wanted to get married. 

Weird?  Maybe.  It weirded Hubs out a bit when I told him about The List.  I only told him about it and showed it too him after we were already engaged, and he knew that he had never felt like I had pushed him towards that at all, so it was all good.  I never thought of him or our engagement as a checkbox on my To Do's for 2009.

I have to say, I've had a pretty good track record with the list over the years.  I usually get through 6-8 of the items.  One year I got 9!  Not too shabby.  Remember, I just write the list and then seal it into an envelope until New Years.  I don't post it on the wall or consult it for inspiration.  I just make it, read it over, and put it away until the end of the year.  I've been working on versions of the 2011 list. 

Just for fun, I'd like to submit my Dream Big List.  Sort of an Oprah-style, time-unlimited list.  Not for 2011 specifically, but for "the future".

1.  An actual house with an actual yard, including a porch AND gratuitous closet space.
2.  Take Hubs with me to Africa to Visit R&J (Rox - it is seriously on my list.  I'm workin' on it!)
3.  Take a writing class and submit an essay for publication.
4.  Have my own workspace for flowers, sewing, and general crafty goodness.
5.  Grow my own herbs and veggies.
6.  Pay off all my student loans before I turn 40.
7.  Lead Habitat builds to Ethiopia, Mongolia, and Chile.
8.  Find a Dream Job and pursue it for real.
9.  Volunteer consistently for something that I really care about.
10.  Be a mom.  Pregnancy negotiable.

Whatever your take on New Years Resolutions, bleak and freezing afternoons in late December are great opportunities to ponder Fresh Starts and the desires of your heart.  What's important?  What do you want your life to be about?  No matter how many lists I make, I know what I want my Life to be about.  Everything else is just gravy.  (Mushroom gravy, of course.)