Joy to the World

I just dropped Hubs off at O'Hare to catch his flight to Boston for the SuperNerds of the Universe Regional Conference (OK, it is actually called the American Philosophical Association's Eastern Conference) which starts tomorrow.  He is commenting on a presentation, so he has to be there.  It is a debacle.  Stressful, aggravating, ridiculous.  I'm trying to stay positive about the whole thing and be supportive.  At least he will get to see and hang out with his BFF Charles, who lives in Boston with his wife.

I'm trying not to be crabby about "our first Christmas" together being celebrated primarily from 1am - 2am this morning at Hub's parents house. It's a long story, but suffice to say, that was the ONLY time his sister and her boyfriend, his mom and dad, and he and I could all be in the same place at the same time.  It was actually kind of fun.  Bleary-eyed and silly, drinking wine and opening presents "on Christmas morning".  Veeerrryyyyy early on Christmas morning, but anyway.  It was fun.  We'd had Swedish Pancake Brunch with my siblings and siblings in law on Christmas Eve morning, then stopped in at my mom's side Christmas Eve extravaganza, then plodded slowly and wearily through the snow to his parents' house. 

Auggie was a champ.  The hit of every party.  He helped keep me sane and happy.

As I walked to the apartment from the car after dropping Hubs at the airport, I starting humming Joy to the World to myself.  I searched frantically for JOY for a second.  The inside ridge of my nose started to heat up with that pain of desperation.  When you know you are going to cry.  When your face begins to contort.  I thought of mom.  I thought of spending Christmas night home alone with Auggie, some DVDs from RedBox, and some Christmas Ale beer.  I got mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. 

The truth is that the last couple of weeks have been a frustrating struggle.  I am living in a hazy liminal space between JOY:  Faith, Hubs, AugDog, blessings piling up next to blessings; and SADNESS:  missing my parents, feeling gross and blobby, existential guilt.

Ah, guilt.  Consumerism, greed, selfish wanting of stuff.  Laziness.  I mean, come on, people are being martyred for their faith around the world, actually dying for freedom to worship the Lord, and I didn't even make it to church yesterday because we didn't have time.  We couldn't even find our creche.  We had a bizarrely secular Christmas this year, and it felt gross to me.  I tried to choose a Christmas carol as a mantra every day and recite the words to myself in my head as I walked to and from the train, or in the shower, or as I fell asleep.  That was about as CHRISTmassy as I got.

Let Heaven and Nature Sing.

I think I'm going to make a Christmas Banner that says that and hang it up every year.  I've decided that our Christmas tree is going to be decorated with birds, animals, flowers, berries, and other nature-y things, so that would fit right in.  And thinking of Heaven and Nature singing makes me feel connected to mom AND to the beautiful and astonishingly graceful created world. 

You know, this post had some potential.  I had a lot of ideas.  But right now I just feel tired and scattered.  And I don't feel like formulating any literary structure or, truthfully, a point. 

Here's what you (and I) need to know:  It doesn't matter how we feel or don't feel at Christmas.  Thankfully, blessedly, graciously, the Lord does not have a litmus test of Christmas Spirit by which we are evaluated.  Joy is a gift, a discipline, a pursuit.  It is not seasonal or dependent on circumstances.  Besides, it is not MY joy that we sing about on Christmas Day.  It is the World's joy.  Heaven's Joy, Nature's Joy.  The Good News that shall be for all people. 

God came near.  To us.  To me.  Joy to the World.